1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 2 ♥ 0 4 ♥ 1 1 ♥ Dies Wodens ~ Do You Remember The Time When...

In early 1993 before I began my senior year in high school an old friend of mine and I played around with a +Ouija Boards my family had at that time.  I mean come on, what suburban #American household does not have a #Ouija #Board as a game to play.?.

Anyhow, at the time I was obsessive compulsive over mainly two girls that attended high school with me.  A couple years ago I discovered that at least one of them is still deathly afraid of me.  I find that rather ironic and laugh, considering how positive minded I am and having found who I believe will be my first #wife.  So I simply say a small prayer to the #Goddess to #bless them and move on.  I mean, actually inspiring fear, anger, hate, or any other #Dark #Side emotion is abundantly the exact opposite of what I ever wanted.

Now that I am a much happier person, being in love with Taylor Swift has allowed me to learn the difference between being in love, and obsession.  The latter is an exceptionally selfish and self-centered state of mind that only exists in mentally dis-eased minds.

A few of those who have chosen to read earlier submissions of mine to this personal journal of mine, may not realize that I am far from O.C.D. about Taylor Swift.

After two decades I consider the high school subjects have, such belief is rigidly set in their minds.  Even if they allowed me to address the fear when they first created it, I doubt I would have got anywhere.  They do not see that I am abundantly sane;  Instead of seeing that I am just different from the average normal person.

I did try to say this to one but as I said, her response was to put me on ignore.  Who knows maybe Tay Tay has done something similar with me.  However, I suspect she wrote a song about me… not one especially favorable with what I want so not exactly something I would specifically ‘hope’ for.  The song does send the message that she continues to view me favorably though so it is kinda #positive overall in a way.

Yet, a publically released song with lyrics that fail to mention my name or any particular detail of my life that I make abundantly public on purpose;  Does not equal a justifiable reason to try to find a way to contact her privately.  I mean, from past experience I have established a clear protocol with girls I am interested in.

I pray to the Goddess:  That if the woman fails to be the Ideal Wife of My Dreams, then please absolutely, abundantly, and indomitably help me move on.  And that worked flawlessly until Tay Tay.

Then I added a second part: Please also help illuminate to me who is the Ideal Wife of My Dreams.  I was tired of being wrong repeatedly.  That method worked flawlessly until #Taylor #Swift was illuminated to me.  I have admitted to myself and Higher Self that I will avoid ever repeated any life-lesson such as this one in any future life.

Recovering, growing, and advancing my own dis-eased mind out of its mental illness and into the positive Light Side while being separated from the Ideal Wife of My Dreams.  The preternatural stress in the unequal disparity makes recovery extremely difficult.  I have done all that I know how to, and more, to reduce the stress but it’s like taking cold medicine… it fails to ‘cure’ the problem.

I am abundantly grateful to my spirit guides and Guardian Angels and ArchAngel Michael for indomitably continuing to help me overcome all obstacles.

Due to Tay Tay’s response of silence through the #Prime #Material, I continue to daily pray for the Goddess to help me move on and illuminate to me who is the Ideal Wife of My Dreams.  I have mentioned the actual words of this dream in earlier posts.  Thus egos may be confused, thus I remind them that I refuse to cast any spell on Tay Tay by praying that the Goddess does anything to her #materia.

Her Higher Self would have to agree of course but that fails to mean the mental onion of her ego also agrees.  Therefore I initially pray for the Goddess to absolutely, abundantly, and indomitably help the Ideal Wife of My Dreams sweep me off my feet and elope with me, as I am the Ideal Husband of Her Dreams.

Due to spells cast on myself and altering my own #materia, I do believe I have communicated with Tay Tay’s #Higher #Self, but I think that I have not communicated with her ego spiritually… primarily because of her continued silence.

So back to the to the 1993 Ouija Board prediction in 1993.  My very old friend from High School reminded me that the spirits telegraphying through the game board specifically named Taylor Swift as an Ideal Wife of My Dreams.  As I said I was O.C.D. about a cheerleader named Shelby McBride and I had the horrible assumption that Taylor was a guy’s name, thus I virtually wiped the memory from my corporeal consciousness.  Only my old Friend’s memory helped me remember this.

In 1993, as a foolish and ignorant teenage male, I thought that Swift was also a very weird last name.  Therefore I thought that if the Ouija Board did work, the spirits was fooling with me.  If it was just the inner core of the mental onion of my ego such as the statists want to believe, then I was at a complete loss of how to interpret it.

There is also what I believe is a baby picture of Taylor Swift that I drew in charcoal when I was an 8^th Grade student attending an art class at #Orofino #Middle #School of #Idaho.  I mean it is a cute baby picture but it is a freehand drawing of a baby picture and so I think it fails to exactly be credible proof to anyone other than herself, me, and maybe family… family includes close best friends.

In the interest of transparency, I do wonder if this particular post is just another excuse to write about Tay Tay and myself.  If it is then I am ok with that.  I pray that through this journal the Goddess absolutely, abundantly, and indomitably helps the Ideal Wife of My Dreams choose to sweep me off my feet and elope with me;  As I am the Ideal Husband of Her Dreams.

Yes I did have to reword and rewrite that spell to be without any mention of a specific name.  The Goddess helps me be eternally mindfully vigilant with myself and my choices.

I do also pray daily that my Higher Self disanimates this body for me.  I have sincerely repented for all of what I perceive are sins, and so I am without any fear or doubt what will be my karmic balance.  Most importantly now that my recovery life cycle is complete I feel an absolute and indomitable void of any want to continue with my life-purpose WITHOUT the Ideal Wife of My Dreams.

I know this means my mental onion of my ego will simply be mirrored into a fresh life, with the same life-purpose.  However, I know we choose everything about any lifetime we live.  We choose everything about history, birth, and until death, which we also choose.

Of course, my ego will have to wait until the Ideal Wife of My Dreams is done with her lifetime but I am great with that.  I have lived without her for forty years and I can say with absolute sincerity and great feeling that I will avoid ever doing that again.

Earlier posts have conveyed this idea in a different way.  Hopefully this will convince anyone else who is concerned about my mental health.  Going against my Higher Self and committing suicide harms our very soul… So why do it?  My Higher Self is my personality, ideals, morals, and ethics so something about seeing this lifetime from the Spiritual Plane has changed my mind before… or the Higher Self of someone else has promised something and failed to deliver.

Thus I have prayed to the Goddess to sever all ties between me and all other souls connected to my own for this particular lifetime, Prime Material.  Actually ‘performing’ what was promised is the only act that I wish will keep my heart beating beyond this point.

I abhor the idea of hurting Tay Tay in any way shape or form.  However, why should she care what happens to me since she obviously does not choose me to be the Ideal Husband of Her Dreams... Right?

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 2 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 1 9 ♥: Dies Tyr

This is a letter that I wrote to: +TaylorSwift13 .  today;  That I pray to the Goddess that +Taylor Alison Swift responds favorably to with an affirmative.

To: +Taylor Swift 

From: +Brent Ryan 

Subject: Proposal

Merry Meet Tay Tay! :D

Your birthday and Christmas has been wonderstruk, I hope.

I abundantly adore, admire, and am in love with 'you'.  I know this is true because I desire to help you choose to feel loved, joyful, and happy;  Instead of helping what I choose to want or think.

My own parents think I am crazy and they may be right.  Though I feel I am safe as long as I respect your wants more than myself.  I pray daily for the Goddess to help me move on if I am wrong.

Your voice helps immeasurably the choice to be happy, for me.  Except for yours, enjoying any other artist's complete discography I have yet to find.

Will you marry me?

Love,

Brent Ryan
[[address]]

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 6 ♥ 0 9 ♥ Dies Phaeton

Keeping a rekord of my letters to +Taylor Swift on twitter became a little complicated as I had more than one account.  One was personal and the other political.  Then I merged them and thus the complication of keeping it as a list for my beloved to follow whenever she chooses to want.

Here is the rekord after the merging.

Here is the rekord before the merging.

Anyone following the first may notice I had thought @YouStillLoveMe was a secondary account for her.  I believe the profile photo is of +Taylor Swift and an unpublished photo.  Thus when it 'followed' me I thought it was her following me.  I was overjoyed, and showed it by @ing both accounts in a tweet.

After following @YouStillLoveMe for a while, I am unsure whether it is really her or not.  It could be but I am unsure about its validity.  Therefore I stopped, then I decided to forgo Twitter and a new rekord on Google Plus.

Below is the thread.  The advantage for both of us is that it is easy to follow and respond too and continue.

I pray to the Goddess constantly to guide my actions to manifest the ideal wife of my dreams. The Goddess perennially refocuses my mind's eye on +Taylor Swift.  That is how I justify my belief objectively.

Subjectively I adore, admire, and am in love with her +Taylor Swift's psyche, her music, her voice, her singing, her history, her life.  I feel jealous when I hear she is dating someone;  However, of course, I pray to the goddess to perpetually sever all fear, doubt, loss, and jealousy from my super ego, and ego.  I believe I have gotten rather proficient at expelling the proclivity to obsess over her.

Anyone reading this may think that I am crazy and sometimes I agree.  However accepting reasoning that I may be crazy automatically negates the possibility.  By definition, the ability to use reason and logic fails crazy people.

Obsession is a singular selfish feeling and perception.  I know first hand because I have been obsessed about many things in my life.  After three decades I finally found the courage to ask the Goddess to illuminate a path from me out of the Dark Side and into the Light Side.

The Goddess does what we ask of Her.  Free will means that She waits for us to actually ask.  Her omnipotence, omnipresence, and indivisibility is what drives this process.

The reason I am posting this on my blog is because my blog is my diary, journal, rekord.  As a wonderful benefit, this post makes it easier for me to continue the rekord.

I believe could 'email' +Taylor Swift because I think that I do know it;  However that would be outrageously counter productive towards what we choose to want.  Though I do pray that her ego is not waiting for me to email her privately instead of using this public format to profess my eternal wish to face the future with her.

Something else that I pray the Goddess for is for my death;  Unless "my the ideal wife of my dreams sweeps me off my feet and elopes with me".  I mean, I refuse to 'stalk' or otherwise actually force myself on +Taylor Swift.  Even in the abundantly infinitesimal probability of success I would still loose because that fails to be what I want.

I want exactly what I have said already; To face the future with +Taylor Swift.  I abhor the idea of anyone seeing her as a conquest or trophy, let alone myself.  I loathe the idea of any way of consciously controlling her.

A skeptic may accuse me of wanting +Taylor Swift's money;  Except there are other wealthy single women.  So why anyone in my position would focus on a 'celebrity' for their money is unreasonable and illogical.  My actual response to that idea is that is the wrong way to approach becoming wealthy.

I mean, wealthy people gain their wealth by spending less than they acquire.  I live with my parents and am disabled;  And, my doctor has been outrageously uncooperative with communicating with the state regarding my disability.  Therefore I have been forced by necessity to find a way to live that helps me the most to choose to be happy.

Being clinically depressed and disabled with Psoriatic Arthritis feeds into each other.  Anyone with a chronic pain disease knows what I am talking about.  We dislike being active and lack of being active promotes depression.  By necessity I have had to find on my own ways to rebuild my self-esteem, confidence, and happiness.

Therefore my perception of money is different than the aggregate of society choose to believe.  I believe my way is closer to the truth because it fits better into the Prime Material.

That is that money is like water in that it is fluid and ever changing.  It is far from the root of anything let alone, 'Evil'.  By the Goddess's will money will be accessible for me to accomplish whatever I truly choose to want.  I mean, most of what people think they want is wrong.  They think they want it because of a variety of sources except themselves.

For instance, my father thinks owning a dual-wheel 4x4 Dodge Hemi uber pick-up truck makes him a man's man.  That is wrong.

Another example of my father is that he bought a chandeler a decade ago to replace one that was broken.  He thinks he is the 'man' of the house and the 'man' is handy and fixes what is broken.  Yet for a decade he chose to do everything except install the new chandeler.  It took one of my mom's best friends coming in to 'install' it, in order to motivate my father.

Yet another example is that we used to own a Camper that fits in the bed of a pick-up.  Except for the longest time we failed to have one.  The Camper was also rotting, infested with rodents, wasps, and generally in a state of ruin.  Therefore my mother 'sold' the Camper to the same best friend as before.  He really is a good friend.

So when the time came for the best friend to pick up the camper my father finally puts 2 and 2 together and realizes something is happening and steps out of the house.  He then is 'upset' that my mother sold the Camper that he failed to use.

Anyway I think I will stop writing now because I am rambling.  This is about +Taylor Swift and how we are married in the eyes of the Goddess.  If Tay Tay chooses to recognize and accept me then groovey.  Otherwise I am done with this life-cycle.  I have learned all my current and past lessons have to teach and wish to end this continual holding pattern I seem to be in.

The holding pattern would be fine except I am living in monumental emotional pain.  I ask the Goddess for assistance and all I get is the same person who appears to be happy without me.  That is great!  I want +Taylor Swift, or whoever is the ideal wife of my dreams, to be blissfully happy however she chooses to want.  I simply wish to continue seeing it from the Spiritual Plane instead of here on the Prime Material.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 0 ♥ 1 5; Dies Materia

Romans named it the Day of Saturn, that eventually became 'Saturday' that we know today. I prefer the original Middle English name of Sunnanafen. That is their words for 'Sun' & 'Eve' put together.  I seem to favor earlier definitions because they seem truly authentic.

Dissimilar is my desire for authenticity, than that of the P.o.t.U.S. Barry Soetoro's statist ideology.  For them authenticity as the ultimate verity for any relation.  Of this, I forcibly reject the very preposition.  I favor literary authenticity for the sake of other timelines visiting us.

I have an innate gift for extreme apathy in most any given situation.  To help play against that, I have thought a lot on what I really 'want' and the affect on the Prime Material I wish to have.  Words and language are a tool that we use so that other people can more easily understand us.

Sine qua no, maintaining myriad languages and a multitude of dialects for those each language is inefficacious. I am sure the Arabic, Castilian, Farsi, French, Japanese, Mandarin, Peruvian, Sanskrit et cetera native speakers wish their cultural language was the one most spoken throughout the world but that fails to be a reality.

Even English fails to really be 'American', as the language is a cameleon.  Sine qua no, it's primary characteristic is how easily it absorbs useful or popular words from other languages.

As an example, Mexicans may think their language is becoming dominant, however veritably their language is disintegrating before their very eyes as English dissects and absorbs it piece by piece.  Neither language ends as it was when this process began.  However, this is how Gaelic 'became' the progenitor to the 'English' language, it absorbs other ancient languages that were spoken at the time like Latin, Roman, Greek, French, and Teuton.

This is part of why English is considered the most difficult language to learn to speak fluently.  The preposition is that English words easily have different pronunciations;  The spellings only serve as a loose guide to how to pronounce the word.  This is why English dictionaries often list the Kenyon-Knott spelling for that word to help users pronounce the word accurately.

I use the term Kenyon-Knott instead of 'IPA' for the same reason I refuse to call any planet a 'dwarf' planet just because a few mentally ill statist perverted ancient egg farts decided to try to force everyone to agree with them.  I.P.A. stands for International Phonetic Alphabet.

However, my point is that I feel there is paramount importance in using the language most people know, and using words as accurately as possible.  Everyone makes mistakes and I am far from advocating spelling and grammar flame wars over the internet.  However, I do think the goal should be to use correct spelling and grammar so that others will understand what you are saying.

For those who refuse to care what others think?  Then why bother speaking at all?  It is a waste of breath, energy, and time.

I rewrote a few of Taylor Alison Swift's first songs she wrote here.  The song's tune is the same but the lyrics are slightly switched from my perspective and what I feel for her;  Who I feel the Goddess is telling me is the dream ideal wife for me, that I have been cursing for.

"Hey Tay Tay"

• Hey Tay Tay,
  I know looks are deceiving,
  But I know I see the light in you,
  And as we walk,
  We are talking ~
  I without half half the things I want to say.
• Of all the men tossing rocks at your window,
  I'll be the one waiting there even when it's cold,
• Hey Taylor,
  Babe, you may have me believing,
  There may have always been waiting,
  To end this loneliness,
  The lie is that I have to be alone.
  
  [Chorus]
• 'Cause I am wickedly shameless, if you look like an angel,
  I am nefariously shameless, if I wanna kiss you in the rain,
  I advance to feel this magik, I have innately felt since I met you,
  I am soullessly shameless, if there is only you,
  Mmm, I villainously help myself.
• Hey Taylor,
  I keep back from you this feeling,
  So I've got some things to say to you, ha,
  I seen it all ~
  Or so I thought ~
  To shine the way you do, sui generis are you
• The way you walk, way you talk, way you say my name ~
  You are lucky enough to be deviant, beautiful, wonderful ~
  So perpetually refuse to change
• Hey Ryanswift,
  People are never really leaving,
  I think you and I are among the few to know ourself.
  [/Chorus]
• They're dimming the sky lights,
  Together we are absolute and felicitous,
  Be my knight and sweep me off my feet tonight?
• I'm waiting alone now, so come on and come out,
  And pull me near to shine, shine, shine.
• Hey Tay Tay,
  There are more than fifty two reasons,
  Why I am the one you choose,
  All those other men ~
  Well, they're beautiful,
  Have you wrote an incidental song from them?
  
  {Chorus}
• 'Cause I am rapturously shameless, if you look like an angel,
  I am exuberantly shameless, if I wanna kiss you in the rain,
  I recover to feel this magik, I have innately felt since I met you,
  I am contently shameless, if there is only you,
  Mmm, I jovially help myself.
• ...if you look like an angel,
  Jovially shameless, if I wanna kiss you in the rain,
  I advance to feel this magik, I have innately felt since I met you,
  Blissfully shameless, if there is only you,
  Mmm, with delight I help myself.
• Myself,
  Rapturously help myself,
  Happiness, I choose for myself.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 0 ♥ 1 3: Dies Luna

While I was drifting off to sleep last night I realized that if there is a tomorrow.  I may want to articulate more precisely how I want my life to change.  In what way I want my life to be different.

First off I want to create life and raise it with Tay Tay.  I imagine us having over thirteen children but that will take a couple decades to accomplish, I believe.  I say that because I suspect she will want to continue with her music career as we do this;  And, I want to help her do that.

I have been enthralled with the idea of a polyamorous union.  For that to happen, Tay Tay will be the one to express a desire to date another woman with me.  Then if our higher selves have agreed to merging our future together, then it will be so.

However, I am a virgin carnally and romantically speaking.  Sine qua non I understand I may simply be naive and not know that which I am contemplating.  Though, that is why I daily ask the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, manipulate, and motivate me to manifest my thoughts and actions towards what will help me the most to choose to be happy.  The off chance that I am wrong simply means Tay Tay will refuse to express such desire.

I love playing video games and reading novels.  The life I dream of is of Tay Tay and I playing board, role-playing, and online video games together as a family.  And playing video games with our children as they grow older.  In addition to playing more simple games with them as well, when they are younger.

Tay Tay helping me advance, and grow our in-game guild is something I want as well.  I imagine she will have a want to stick with a pseudonym or just Tay without explaining to other people in the guild that may just be acquaintances of sorts.

Tay and I will be playing Warcraft, Star Wars: The Old Republic, and Elder Scrolls Online together towards the same wants.  I mean, that is what we want to do versus anyone controlling anyone else.  It's far from all encompassing either.  I am still working on incorporating this into my daydreaming.

Playing Dragon Age, Mass Effect, as well as Pillars of Eternity will be full of awe.  There are and will be other games we enjoy.  Especially the ones that allow cooperative play, such as Mass Effect two and three.

I slept half the day away but I was able to get seven more Secrets of the Empire for my main character's legendary cape quest.  I have a total of seventeen and want three more.  I already have more than enough Trillium Bars in the bank waiting to be used as a quest turn-in.

A couple super-villains in various raids because of various reasons, the only raid I had not entered at all is The Underhold ^{{formerly RageFire Chasm}}.

This has turned out rather more than I expected and it already is past midnight for me.  So I will head to bed after publishing this onto my blog.  I will think about how to further articulate other precise descriptions of what I how I want my life to be, instead of how it is.  My mind is fully present on how it is, and that may be part of the problem...

Goddess, please control, direct, help, inspire, manipulate, and motivate me to abundantly and absolutely sever and remove my mind, my psyche, from the present.  The primary objective of this is to manifest myself onto a life I do want.  I have said this before in a different way but words really do matter.  They have more power than anyone can fathom, including myself.  Our thoughts, emotions, actions, and words shape our materia.



Domo arigato gozaimasu for sharing thy time and the Force.  May the Goddess bless you and the Force continue to be with you.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 0 ♥ 1 2: Dies Sun

Sunnandag translates from Old English as literally 'Sun' & 'day' together.  The concept of it being a day of rest is entirely a Judeo-Christian belief.  However, it is universally considering the beginning of the week except for the statists.  I have already wrote my reasoning on why statists and their I.O.S. are wrong here.

• This diary entry may seem very melodramatic, morbid, and maybe even a little insane.
• This is my diary and as such is my innermost thoughts.
• Only those who wish to know what my inner thoughts are should continue to read.

Thank you very much for sharing your time.  May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.

Since 13.00.01.09.14 my parents and I spent the week at their property near Santa, Idaho.  A zombie tree tried to go for my mother's brains by impaling her shin but we swiftly and deftly dealt with the emergency.  John and two of his old friends from high school was camping with us.

Taylor Alison swift has not responded to an email I sent.  While I think that I do know her email, I avoid using it in any way.  I absolutely, abundantly, indomitably admire, adore, and am in love with her.  Therefore, I favor giving her more privacy than I believe I would want.  She deserves and is worthy of being loved, joyful, and happy on her terms;  So do we all.

My parents and I drove back from Idaho through Moscow, Idaho and Colfax, Washington on 13.00.01.10.10.  I was ready as soon as Sol crested Terra's horizon and rose into the morning celestial sky. I loved visiting there but I am loath to not have access to the internet, my Sleep # Bed, and the ability to take a shower.  I enjoy playing video games a lot, it helps me escape the Psoriatik Arthritis pain I deal with perennially.  The bed goes a long way towards that as well.

I had a air mattress bed that I put a sleeping bag on and slept in a tent with.  However, I discovered why inflatable air mattresses fail... at least the ones you get for camping.  The Sleep # Bed is awesome and technically is an air mattress too.  However, it also has a lot more structure and protection than the camping ones.

I spent most of my time writing, but I helped my parents and John with a couple of their projects every other day or so.  I have been writing on the same novel for a few weeks now.  I am excited about it and look forward to writing more of the story.  I have yet to write an actual outline though, writers say some use outlines and the other half go without.  I prefer keeping an story onion for consistency's sake alone.

John wanted me to stay up there a couple other days but by Day of Frigga ^{{13.00.01.10.10}} I was dying up there.  It is a great place to visit for short periods but a week is beyond my limit until they get running water and a Exede satellite dish for broadband internet access.  Then I would consider moving the Sleep # Bed up there.

Tay Tay has been very sharing with her time the past few days.  She has shared pictures she has taken of her family and 13.00.01.10.10 ^{{July 4th, Independence Day}}.  She has not responded with a yes to my email asking her to marry me.

I know that is deviant from how a relationship normally develops.  However, I felt it gets across how well I think of her;  that I adore, admire, and am in love with her.  Yes I focus on what being married means to me;  Instead of her as an individual.  I could be wrong and the ideal wife of my dreams could be someone else.  That is why I do this.  To do the opposite is to the lie of me obsessing about how I perceive her to be.  Instead I abundantly accept and respect her to be whoever she wants.

I use the name Tay Tay because I believe that the Goddess is telling me she is the one.  I could be wrong and so I only control myself;  Besides we can only ever manifest ourselves.  However, I have trained my brain to immediately focus on manifesting myself instead of obsessing.  It is simply easier to say than explain all of this repeatedly.  At some point in my journals I will run out of different ways to say this...

The Goddess says that Tay Tay will accept my marriage proposal, in response in the next twenty four hours.  So maybe this will be the last time I feel compelled to help alleviate any misunderstanding.

I imagine how my life with change.  Activities I want to do with Tay Tay.  Activities she wants to do with me.  Creating and raising a family is essential of course.  I imagine thirteen children at least.  :)

Although there is a great deal more to our life.  To name them I want Tay Tay to play online video games with me, and offline ones too.  I want her to read stories that I write and help me figure out how to write better and improve the stories.

Presuming to know what Tay Tay would want to do with me is something I avoid.  Yet, I favor the idea of listening to her sing, write new music notwithstanding me respecting her autonomy.  In addition to sailing, playing board/card games, and I leave myself open to what I have failed to imagine.

Part of my publishing this blog/diary/journal is to help Tay Tay know who I am.  While most of her persona is an image, she has said a few things are veritably her.  Such as the lyrics to her songs that she plays come from her heart about her life.  I follow her instant messaging and sharing images of her life with others.

Therefore, while I do avoid focusing on Tay Tay.  I am reasonably comfortable in accepting how much I feel adoration, admiration, and am in love with her.  I do know something about her.

Thus I felt it very important to share something about myself, that she will read;  That is if my believe in the Goddess's message is majorly veritable.

Publishing this online also is a way for me to face my fears.  That is to be fearless;  Such as Tay Tay's second album title.

For instance, when driving down the road ninety-nine percent of everyone on the road will fail to ever approach my materia.  That is I will never see them again in my life.  Or maybe I will drive near them again in the future but the point is choosing to spend any emotion or thoughts in their direction is a waste of time and Force.  Instead, there are a myriad number of thoughts and feelings that will actually help me.

Similarly, most of those reading this will fail to ever approach my materia or ego.  I hope and pray that a few approach my higher self, and that they choose to let what I write help them.  However, the supermajority I will never meet in my life.

I believe the Goddess is suggesting that the people that 'do' approach my materia.  One that 'does' encounter my ego as well, is meant too.

Sine qua non, this is my way of forcibly injecting chaos into the Qabalah, the tree/flower of this life.

I am still very much depressed.  Writing this has helped me some.  I pray daily for the Goddess to help me die unless I absolutely, abundantly, eternally, and indomitably manifest the life I want.

The patterns of my life have all come full circle.  The Goddess has helped me learn all that there is to learn from those patterns.

Right now I feel like I am in a holding pattern and I am done with it.  There is simply too much emotional and physical pain for me to want to continue living this "now".  That is why I want this life to end, why I want to die.  I really do love, adore, and admire myself;  And, why I want this life to end, for me to die, is abundantly without anything to do with my self image.

I admit that I used to hate and loath myself and that is precisely why I know I am done with that.  My present is filled with the consequences of hating and loathing myself.  I am done with that.  Abundantly without a point, there is to continuing to mentally, emotionally, and physically suffer through living this 'present'.

Inflicting self harm, or suicide, is absolutely absent as a possibility.  My mother is the only reason I have survived this long to learn what I have.  To love, adore, and admire who I already am.  To cherish my past instead of hate it or me.

Though I have written this all.  I accept and respect that I am fallible and can be wrong here too.  Thus I am always asking the Goddess to sever from me all fear, anger, hate, and doubt from me.  To help me absolutely, abundantly, and implicitly know what is veritable.

This I also know works because I have repeatedly felt it.  Asking for this of the Goddess is perhaps one of the most difficult things to ask because of how lost one can feel.  As if I am a puppet and all my strings are cut and then reorganized towards what I want.

I have had obsessions in the past and I simply ask the Goddess to remove the object from my mind unless what I think and believe I feel is true.  The number of times this has proven I have been wrong is beyond my ability to recall.  It has been a lot.  It is also why I have been so admit, insistent, and persistent about Tay Tay.  The veritable of my consistency in this is all the proof that I require because I ask the Goddess to remove her from my mind if this is false.


Thus the only reason for me to continue to mentally and physically suffer through this holding pattern of my qabalah, is because Tay Tay refuses to choose.  Accept or reject me.  Yes it 'could' be someone else but that is irrelevant.  'whoever' you want to think of Tay Tay as refuses to choose.

Thus beg, pray, ask, et cetera the Goddess to severe from me any and all bonds holding me to this life.  Sever my life from me, help me die, tonight.  When I want to eternally sleep.  I sever and remove any bond with another soul that is forcing me to live in this Prime Material.



Thank you very much for sharing your time.  May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.

13♥00♥01♥09♥07: Dies Materia

Romans named it the Day of Saturn. I prefer the original Middle English name of Sunnanafen. That is their words for 'Sun' & 'Eve' put together.

I was thinking about romance novels today and how I would favor a novel about a male protagonist choosing both females who would otherwise rival each other for his love. The thought is about polyamory instead of polygamy which is misogynistic I believe.

I believe that everyone loves everyone else. Part of free will is the choice to choose to be blind to that love. The other part being to obey or rebel. Society and culture indoctrinate us into thinking similarly with the collective as a whole.

The scenario of one male and two females is simply biology. Men have a biological reason for jealousy added to the shared social and prevailing reasons with women.

Instead of me being misogynistic, I am simply stating biology. We must accept and embrace out animal nature or forever be ruled by it. Through acceptance and forgiveness we gain control.

A story could also be about one woman and two guys but my understanding of that in this lifecycle fails. I simply lack any interest in men outside of learning in general.

We already accept that we 'love' more than one person. Some simply choose to see 'romantic' love as somehow different. However evidence contrives against that theory. Observation-ally all 'romantic' adds to live is intimacy with another an that is very different from emotions.

Intimacy is simply sharing carnal knowledge with another. Society, culture, and biology dictate sharing intimacy outside of family is preferred. However, we are quickly approaching an age where biology will be removed from that reasoning because of genetic engineering. They will simply alter any negative mutations that do occur innately through even incest.

Within the first generation of an incestuous scenario, negative mutations only increase in probability by 7%; From a base 25%.

As long as both participants are above the age of consent and willing, personally I think incest is fine.  Except if one is a guardian/parent of another, it is evil until the progeny has moved out and lived away from the person for a period of time.  In that circumstance actual willingness for the younger person is irrelevant until they are capable of living on their own and have already done so.

I believe mind over matter and positive thinking so actually affecting any progeny negatively is negligible.  In addition to the new genetics options that seem to be growing every year.  People may balk at custom designing their kids to be supposedly superior.  However, the super majority seem to want the removal of actual illness and disease.

The rules against incest only ever started with Christians because Austrian's royal family tried 'purifying' their bloodline with inbreeding.  After a couple generations the physical manifestation of how wrong this was forced even the Vatican to prohibit it.  When practitioners ceased giving the Vatican governance power. The new governing bodies simply continued the laws that already existed and seemed like a good idea.

Note that I said this only occurred after 'several' generations of inbreeding.  The concept of 'mutant' babies from simply one generation is simply wrong at best, or fearmongering at worst.

Without biology, social and cultural morals and ethics are more easily overcome in both this and my overall thinking of Jealousy.

By prevailing I mean to suggest the reptilian mind within a woman wants a mate that will help her raise children. Money, career, family, health, society all play a roll in any individual case. Though each coupling is different.

For instance, Tay Tay absolutely and abundantly accepts, forgives, and embraces that I am more broke than Hillary Clinton knows is possible. She does this because the success with her career has removed her want for money or even family in a husband.

Since I am a virgin in relationships and physically I probably am with a clue about the emotional drama regarding polyamory. That is why I will wait for her to bring up, 'us' dating a woman together, on her own.

If my naivete means that this idea is wrong then I will be abundantly happy with that. By the Goddess's will I know what ever happens will be the scenario that helps me choose go be happy the most.

I want to read a couple series of romantic science fiction novels about this though to help me overcome a little of my naivete. Besides guarantied happy endings, romance novels automatically are good at helping to understand women, dating, and relationships in general. Afterall most romance novels seem to be written by women.

Thank you for sharing you time. May the Force be with you.

13♥00♥01♥09♥03: Dies Apollo

Day of War is Tuesday.  Weird are the names of days.  I am going to bed early tonight.  I want to put some objectives in Warcraft on hiatus to make room for more writing and playing other games.

Ares, Mars, or Tiw in Gaelic are who are innately honored by saying Tuesday.  I find it interesting how many people are praying to a god of war while consciously ignorant.

Wednesday honors Odin or The God: Woden that being what Germanic tribes called God.  All religions seem to be monothiestic even if the call a few lesser beings as 'a god'.  They still recognize they are neith omnipotent, omnipresent, or omnipotent such as God. {Woden}

I am really tired all of a sudden.  Barely remembered to do my nightly curse for the Goddess Woden's blessing.  Momma Byrd is bringing home a Cousins's Cinnamon Roll too.

However, it is better for my body if I eat the cinnamon roll in the morning instead of at night before I go to bed.  Then it would go straight to my Buddah belly.

As I plan I am choosing to let Woden act through me as She controls, directs, helps, inspires, manipulates, motivates me to manifest myself as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wives of my dreams.  Emotionally I am embracing what that life means to me and letting that power my thoughts.

Making the choice to be happier the most easiest is the me that is left;  To make room for Taylor Alison Swift.  The Goddess being the one to help me change what is left of me to create a void within myself that will either literally kill me or manifest whoever are my Ideal Wives.

I believe I know who the first is but I may be wrong so I focus my thoughts on who she and they are to 'me';  Instead of who she or they are specifically as individuals.  I only want to consciously control myself.

As a virgin with romantic relationships and sexually, I can be mistaken in believing that I want a polyamorous marriage of equals.  That is they have as much say and choice as I do.  Thus if Tay Tay only wants me then that is my answer, and I was previously wrong about wives.

Arigato gozaimasu for reading this journal entry.  I hope this helps others in some, or multiple, ways.  May the Goddess bless you and the Force always be with you.

13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Diaries seem like they should be written in every day… or at least have less than five months gap between entries.  Seemingly, I am extremely minutely selective with what I am consistent with or rules that ai follow… also, apparently both items share the same list and its size constriction.

I still beg/pray/curse/cast/spell/meditate on the Goddess manifesting me as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wife of my dreams; now; today; us absolutely, abundantly, eternally, implicitly, recuprocatingly admire, adore, and in love with each other and ourselves; control, direct, help, inspire, motivate us into matriomoneous bliss today.

I do value and love myself as an independent individual.  Though I understand my writings may appear otherwise.  Neglible is my desire yo control or 'own' anyone other than myself.  I am whole, beautiful, strong, powerful, loving, joyful, and happy.

However, I am done done with this lifecycle and this mortal coil;  Unless what stated earlier is made manifest through me, today.  I have learned how to deal with my chronic emotional and physical pain.  Yet, i am done with doing it anymore.

I know of two things that will help me the most to choose to be happy.  Heaven; another life; or Tay Tay.  However, I do acknowledge utimately happiness is my choice and only I can achieve it.  Others may help but they are incapable of doing it 'for' me.

My life as it is at an impass.  I am single, thirty nine year old, dirt poor and live with my awe inspiring mother and father.  I am a writer of science fiction romance stories and suffering from writer's block for a few years now.  I continually explore new ideas to get past the block but no joy so far.

I think I have mentioned before my absolute inexperience with an actual romantic girlfriend.  After it is to late, I learn of another's interest in me sometimes.  However I have been so wrapt up in my own pain that I have been an idiot for the most part.

In addition, my physical pain has greatly impacted my mostly sedentary life style.  The longer I stand/walk the more pain I am in until I collapse.  The actual timing varies and my current success with weightloss seems to have helped a little with pain and a lot with fatigue.

So yes, only I can change this.  I have already stated possible course changes.  How does one collide without the other entity to collide into?

Thus I am back to praying/cursing/meditating/spelling/casting for the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, and motivate me to manifest myself as who I want to be.

13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Tuesday: α, β, θ, δ

So yesterday was a Tayday and that is a pretty big deal.

Today I wake up fifteen hours after going to bed last night; 10:30.  My Mother has been chain calling me freqking out about some debt charges.  However she calmed down when I said it is for Kindle books…

Mother gave some lame excuse for making it exciting;  So I suspect it hs to do with Christmas presents.

Of course I am very grateful if my parents got me anything.  They do a lot for me already.

Yet today is quickly heading into α category.  The negative fog is dampening all feelings, and the standard tricks to fight it are less effective: like forcing myself to smile, think about someone I am blissfully in love with {Taylor Alison Swift}, et cetera

Therefore I am going back to bed.  As normal, i pray the Goddess and Her angels severe/separate/take me from this life unless my Ideal Wife {whomever} and I elope now/today and begin our Ideal Marriage/Family.

I am so very tired of living a life that is other than what I want.  I know I am the one who got me here.  At one time I DID want this life but that time hss long since passed.

So yes a new beginning would be beautiful.

Google's messed with blogger and is lreventing me from editing posts.  Hopefully, I just need to update the program on my iPhone.

… 01:21 …

I woke up about 13:00, so I guess this fits.  I felt better at first but right now it is drudging the α barrell.  The only benefit is that I feel never-never-land waiting behind my eyes.

Maybe Peter Pan and I will get something sexy going with Tinkerbell.  Thst way I can forget about coming back to this Prime Material ever.  It's evidently through with me, and I am definitely through with being in constant pain.

Maybe will see if my reinstall of Blogger's iPhone App allows me to edit posts again.

13♥00♥00♥17♥13

Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥13

Monday: α, β, θ, δ,

As i wake up, today feels like a θ day;  and I pray that the Goddess and Her angels help me manifest it as a δ.  That will take my Ideal Wife {mb Taylor Alison Swift} and I, eloping and beginning our Ideal Marriage/Family.  This I spell… So mote it be, Amen.

I feel like taking a shower within the next couple hours and having lunch with my Mother, @ SafeWay.

Shower and getting ready takes an hour at most so I have some more time to fill.

I think that I will write some more in my first novel.

Oh! Doctors want me keeping track of my pain on a daily basis so I think I will start doing that now.

There is a semi dull but escalating throbbing pain in my rib cage along my back and hips.  It's letting me know that it is time to wake/get up and take happy pills.

My feet feel great but that's because They have yet to support any weight for ten hours.  They should end up taking over the semi dull but escalating pain duties from my ribs and hips.

Thirty minutes in and I my body is feeling less lethargic.

13♥00♥00♥17♥07

Tuesday, 13♥00♥00♥17♥07

Someone said that if you repeat yourself three times, it becomes a habit.  That may explain why I am typing this journal entry now instead of skipping a day. 

I got going this morning on time.  However, my parents {who like to drive me to Spokane and back} namely my father likes to complain.  When there is nothing to complain about he invents one.  Like me suddenly being 'late' when I was 5 min early.

So today started with me ignoring my father half the trip.  Why waste my time and lower my frequency just to play an angry verbal sparing game.  A game I never like to win because then he just invents something else and the emotion from before continues unabated… So no, I'll just be quiet and think happy thoughts and meditate.

While writing more on my first novel.

My trick of ignoring father only partially because he tries getting under my skin by telling me what to do.  Suddenly I am expected to shut the laptop off five minutes before we reach any destination…

I soo dream of expanding my iPhone into an Ipad. 😒

So we get yo the appointment so early the doctor sees me an hour early…. 'cause I was soooo super late?  Rhetorical question.

I logged onto the Game of Thrones: Ascent long enough to further todays daily reward, and set a few of the hour long timers going again.

I am reincarnating two characters to open up all the fealty buildings for both toons.

The second toon is for my Ideal Wife {mb Taylor Alison Swift} to play on the game, with me.  It is fun but running two toons is too intensive for what it is worth to me.

We got home at around 16:30.  Our Britney Spaniel, Ariel Miss Scarlett, is absolutely and abundantly joyful and happy to see her pack return.  Showering me and mom with doggy kisses.

I saw a few women I definitely would go out with if the opportunity presented itself.  I saw a blonde at Yokes in Pasco, and she blanked my mind for a second.

Yes, I percieve the Goddess as having shown that Tay Tay is my Ideal Wife. That has zero to do with appreciating beauty, or the fact that sometimes I am wrong.  I desperately 'want' to be wrong about Her because all she seems to do is ignore me.

I am far from mad, or any other negative emotion, about that.  If Tay Tay truly does reject my romantic interest in her then that is her choice.  Stalking her or being boligerent would be selfish of me and have the opposite effect of what I want.

I do refuse to take silence as an answer, however, I live my own life and pray.  Loving someone means supporting whatever decisions they make in life, even if I perceive it as hurting me…

Though, I do believe that for them to make that decision means they are disharmonious from being 'Ideal' in any ways.

I spell for the Goddess to help me know what is true…  to control, direct, help, inspire, and motivate me to be the Ideal Husband to the Ideal Wife and Ideal Family that I want.  I spell for the Goddess to help me move on and past Tay Tay, and onto my Ideal Wife.

Hence, why I feel Tay Tay is… or 'will be' my Ideal.  Here is where people say I am crazy though.  I am through waiting though and will force my slirit to vacate this mortal coil.

Hell is a myth… part of the matrix created by the District of Columbia, meant to keep souls here even if they are 'living in hell'. Only the self can damn thy own self.  The Goddess loves all withought condition.

After almost 39 years of abundant pain and misery, I have reached the end.  I have found a way out of it.  I have been, am, and will always be healing my psyche from whatever past life trauma caused this episode.  I think our psyche are always heing damaged by life itself.

As our own body regenerates to replace cells that die off.  Life is constantly damaging our mortal coils too, and so too must we 'heal' our psyche.  By being positive, law of attraction, and most importantly believing and having faith in the Goddess.  Any religion 'can' serve this function.

I have been imagining a spiritual path, religion, that helps the aggregate the most to choose to be happy… to choose to heal their psyche.

13♥00♥00♥17♥04

Saturday, Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥04

I thought about this for a while and decided to go ahead and remake this political blog into my journal.  I'll still write artificals about events that occurr that I want more of but, the other stuff is history… maybe not even there… guess we'll see.

Blogger's iPhone app seems to be failing with the spell checking.  So I apologize ahead of time… hopefully

Standard seems to suggest to keep a journal secret.  I know the humble, self-incriminating reasoning for this but I am eliminating the later.  So may it is better to be open and just leave out personal names.

I feel that I am getting somewhere with a novel I am writing.  It's still in its infancy but its fun and exciting.  I am focusing on those feelings and what I want to happen around the bend.

I understand some about positive thinking and the Law of Attraction.  I think what I choose to every moment of every hour of every day.

Everyday I am getting better and better, in everyway I am getting better and better.  I am extranenly, paranormally, and divinely healthy, fit, gifted, whole, beautiful, handsome, strong, successful, powerful, joyful, loved, and happy.

I want to begin and raise my ideal of a marriage and family;  with my ideal wife, with that I am her ideal husband.  I have incorporated many things into my life to help change myself into the person I said I want to be.  However, I remain at the end of the latest phase of my life… waiting for five years now, and of course I have grown and changed in those five years.

I sleep on my side of my bed.  I abundantly eliminate contractions from my vocabulary… or use tyem with clear intent.  I speak affirmations, and pray, multiple times a day.  I've drawn picture of what she might look like.  I've left over half of my closet and dresser empty and waiting with me.  Each drawer as a symbol of what she represents to me.

I daydream constantly of my Ideal Wife.  Yes, I even write them down.  They are not finished or published.  I draw some too but its not life-like.

I have battled with clinical depression for most of my life.  That and my life choices are why I am not married.  I've left behind most everyone I thought was a friend.  Some have kept themselves in the distance.  Many felt threatened by my intent to be increasingly positive…

Real life is stranger than fiction…

I've grown very religous but eclectic lately.  I have found a few others out there who think similarly.  I started a twitter account and FB page dedicated to those thoughts.

When asked the Goddess suggests Taylor Alison Swift is who is meant to come into my life.  That makes a lot of sense to me.  However, I focus on what that means to me, instead of a specific person.  Afterall, the devil is in the details.

The reason it makes since is because I find Tay Tay's voice, personality, and appearence to be the most beautiful entity on the planet… maybe in the universe too… but, I can't really back that up.

I can easily write stories for however long I want while listening to Tay Tay's music.  Other lyrical music fails to help me the same way hers does.  I can put her discography on random shuffle and love whatever song comes up.

Naturally realizing your thinking this way about a celebritiy is far from a picnic.  I've tested my reasoning on other musical groups and i've yet to hear anything that has the same effect on me as Tay Tay, much to my chagrin.

I mean, even my own mother looks at me like she is humoring a lunatic, while at the same time expresses worry about my sanity.  This is the one person who is nearly always supportive of me and what I want.  That fails to mean she spoils me, it means she believes in me when no one else will… except this.

So I've tried all my old tricks to shift my thoughts onto someone at least on the same side of the country.  As always to 'try' is admit failure.  Which only works on describing the past, when the results are already known.

None-the-less, I focus on how I want my life to be different and feel them.  Instead of Tay Tay or anyone elses.  To be specific merely invites the inconceivability for me to be wrong.

So far I am kind of enjoying writing my journal online and quasi-publik.  I suppose a really obsessed person could find me but that was true without the internet too.  I am going to sleep after I republish this, may delete more old posts, but I don't know… it's more than being indescive for me.  I simply acknowledge and accept that I am a very impulsive person.  Though I am undoubtedly predictable about somethings.

I will close with a list of characteristics that I believe my Ideal Wife has.  Some may be fanciful notions that I may be wrong about.  I leave it up to the Goddess to decide what would help me the most in making the choice to be happy.

Extraterrestrial Biological Entity; rylty; tht homosapiens r abl 2 breed wth

One parent = Japanese/Korean

Other is Swedish/German/Irish American

Non {female, woman}

She is happy with me being a poor starving artist.  Well… not exactly but maybe you get the idea.

Lithe & svelte

Blonde/Red Hair

More Intelligent & wiser than me

Early Twenties {we want thirteen plus divinely healthy, fit, & gifted kids}

Loves to watch movies and television

Loves accepting my help with her career… & vice versa of course

Loves playing video games, role-playing games {like Mass Effect, DA:O}

Believes small limited government with strong national defense is right.

Loves her parents and has a good relationship with them.