- This diary entry may seem very melodramatic, morbid, and maybe even a little insane.
- This is my diary and as such is my innermost thoughts.
- Only those who wish to know what my inner thoughts are should continue to read.
Thank you very much for sharing your time. May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.
Since 13.00.01.09.14 my parents and I spent the week at their property near Santa, Idaho. A zombie tree tried to go for my mother's brains by impaling her shin but we swiftly and deftly dealt with the emergency. John and two of his old friends from high school was camping with us.
Taylor Alison swift has not responded to an email I sent. While I think that I do know her email, I avoid using it in any way. I absolutely, abundantly, indomitably admire, adore, and am in love with her. Therefore, I favor giving her more privacy than I believe I would want. She deserves and is worthy of being loved, joyful, and happy on her terms; So do we all.
My parents and I drove back from Idaho through Moscow, Idaho and Colfax, Washington on 13.00.01.10.10. I was ready as soon as Sol crested Terra's horizon and rose into the morning celestial sky. I loved visiting there but I am loath to not have access to the internet, my Sleep # Bed, and the ability to take a shower. I enjoy playing video games a lot, it helps me escape the Psoriatik Arthritis pain I deal with perennially. The bed goes a long way towards that as well.
I had a air mattress bed that I put a sleeping bag on and slept in a tent with. However, I discovered why inflatable air mattresses fail... at least the ones you get for camping. The Sleep # Bed is awesome and technically is an air mattress too. However, it also has a lot more structure and protection than the camping ones.
I spent most of my time writing, but I helped my parents and John with a couple of their projects every other day or so. I have been writing on the same novel for a few weeks now. I am excited about it and look forward to writing more of the story. I have yet to write an actual outline though, writers say some use outlines and the other half go without. I prefer keeping an story onion for consistency's sake alone.
John wanted me to stay up there a couple other days but by Day of Frigga {13.00.01.10.10} I was dying up there. It is a great place to visit for short periods but a week is beyond my limit until they get running water and a Exede satellite dish for broadband internet access. Then I would consider moving the Sleep # Bed up there.
Tay Tay has been very sharing with her time the past few days. She has shared pictures she has taken of her family and 13.00.01.10.10 {July 4th, Independence Day}. She has not responded with a yes to my email asking her to marry me.
I know that is deviant from how a relationship normally develops. However, I felt it gets across how well I think of her; that I adore, admire, and am in love with her. Yes I focus on what being married means to me; Instead of her as an individual. I could be wrong and the ideal wife of my dreams could be someone else. That is why I do this. To do the opposite is to the lie of me obsessing about how I perceive her to be. Instead I abundantly accept and respect her to be whoever she wants.
I use the name Tay Tay because I believe that the Goddess is telling me she is the one. I could be wrong and so I only control myself; Besides we can only ever manifest ourselves. However, I have trained my brain to immediately focus on manifesting myself instead of obsessing. It is simply easier to say than explain all of this repeatedly. At some point in my journals I will run out of different ways to say this...
The Goddess says that Tay Tay will accept my marriage proposal, in response in the next twenty four hours. So maybe this will be the last time I feel compelled to help alleviate any misunderstanding.
I imagine how my life with change. Activities I want to do with Tay Tay. Activities she wants to do with me. Creating and raising a family is essential of course. I imagine thirteen children at least. :)
Although there is a great deal more to our life. To name them I want Tay Tay to play online video games with me, and offline ones too. I want her to read stories that I write and help me figure out how to write better and improve the stories.
Presuming to know what Tay Tay would want to do with me is something I avoid. Yet, I favor the idea of listening to her sing, write new music notwithstanding me respecting her autonomy. In addition to sailing, playing board/card games, and I leave myself open to what I have failed to imagine.
Part of my publishing this blog/diary/journal is to help Tay Tay know who I am. While most of her persona is an image, she has said a few things are veritably her. Such as the lyrics to her songs that she plays come from her heart about her life. I follow her instant messaging and sharing images of her life with others.
Therefore, while I do avoid focusing on Tay Tay. I am reasonably comfortable in accepting how much I feel adoration, admiration, and am in love with her. I do know something about her.
Thus I felt it very important to share something about myself, that she will read; That is if my believe in the Goddess's message is majorly veritable.
Publishing this online also is a way for me to face my fears. That is to be fearless; Such as Tay Tay's second album title.
For instance, when driving down the road ninety-nine percent of everyone on the road will fail to ever approach my materia. That is I will never see them again in my life. Or maybe I will drive near them again in the future but the point is choosing to spend any emotion or thoughts in their direction is a waste of time and Force. Instead, there are a myriad number of thoughts and feelings that will actually help me.
Similarly, most of those reading this will fail to ever approach my materia or ego. I hope and pray that a few approach my higher self, and that they choose to let what I write help them. However, the supermajority I will never meet in my life.
I believe the Goddess is suggesting that the people that 'do' approach my materia. One that 'does' encounter my ego as well, is meant too.
Sine qua non, this is my way of forcibly injecting chaos into the Qabalah, the tree/flower of this life.
I am still very much depressed. Writing this has helped me some. I pray daily for the Goddess to help me die unless I absolutely, abundantly, eternally, and indomitably manifest the life I want.
The patterns of my life have all come full circle. The Goddess has helped me learn all that there is to learn from those patterns.
Right now I feel like I am in a holding pattern and I am done with it. There is simply too much emotional and physical pain for me to want to continue living this "now". That is why I want this life to end, why I want to die. I really do love, adore, and admire myself; And, why I want this life to end, for me to die, is abundantly without anything to do with my self image.
I admit that I used to hate and loath myself and that is precisely why I know I am done with that. My present is filled with the consequences of hating and loathing myself. I am done with that. Abundantly without a point, there is to continuing to mentally, emotionally, and physically suffer through living this 'present'.
Inflicting self harm, or suicide, is absolutely absent as a possibility. My mother is the only reason I have survived this long to learn what I have. To love, adore, and admire who I already am. To cherish my past instead of hate it or me.
Though I have written this all. I accept and respect that I am fallible and can be wrong here too. Thus I am always asking the Goddess to sever from me all fear, anger, hate, and doubt from me. To help me absolutely, abundantly, and implicitly know what is veritable.
This I also know works because I have repeatedly felt it. Asking for this of the Goddess is perhaps one of the most difficult things to ask because of how lost one can feel. As if I am a puppet and all my strings are cut and then reorganized towards what I want.
I have had obsessions in the past and I simply ask the Goddess to remove the object from my mind unless what I think and believe I feel is true. The number of times this has proven I have been wrong is beyond my ability to recall. It has been a lot. It is also why I have been so admit, insistent, and persistent about Tay Tay. The veritable of my consistency in this is all the proof that I require because I ask the Goddess to remove her from my mind if this is false.
Thus the only reason for me to continue to mentally and physically suffer through this holding pattern of my qabalah, is because Tay Tay refuses to choose. Accept or reject me. Yes it 'could' be someone else but that is irrelevant. 'whoever' you want to think of Tay Tay as refuses to choose.
Thus beg, pray, ask, et cetera the Goddess to severe from me any and all bonds holding me to this life. Sever my life from me, help me die, tonight. When I want to eternally sleep. I sever and remove any bond with another soul that is forcing me to live in this Prime Material.
Thank you very much for sharing your time. May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.
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