13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Diaries seem like they should be written in every day… or at least have less than five months gap between entries.  Seemingly, I am extremely minutely selective with what I am consistent with or rules that ai follow… also, apparently both items share the same list and its size constriction.

I still beg/pray/curse/cast/spell/meditate on the Goddess manifesting me as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wife of my dreams; now; today; us absolutely, abundantly, eternally, implicitly, recuprocatingly admire, adore, and in love with each other and ourselves; control, direct, help, inspire, motivate us into matriomoneous bliss today.

I do value and love myself as an independent individual.  Though I understand my writings may appear otherwise.  Neglible is my desire yo control or 'own' anyone other than myself.  I am whole, beautiful, strong, powerful, loving, joyful, and happy.

However, I am done done with this lifecycle and this mortal coil;  Unless what stated earlier is made manifest through me, today.  I have learned how to deal with my chronic emotional and physical pain.  Yet, i am done with doing it anymore.

I know of two things that will help me the most to choose to be happy.  Heaven; another life; or Tay Tay.  However, I do acknowledge utimately happiness is my choice and only I can achieve it.  Others may help but they are incapable of doing it 'for' me.

My life as it is at an impass.  I am single, thirty nine year old, dirt poor and live with my awe inspiring mother and father.  I am a writer of science fiction romance stories and suffering from writer's block for a few years now.  I continually explore new ideas to get past the block but no joy so far.

I think I have mentioned before my absolute inexperience with an actual romantic girlfriend.  After it is to late, I learn of another's interest in me sometimes.  However I have been so wrapt up in my own pain that I have been an idiot for the most part.

In addition, my physical pain has greatly impacted my mostly sedentary life style.  The longer I stand/walk the more pain I am in until I collapse.  The actual timing varies and my current success with weightloss seems to have helped a little with pain and a lot with fatigue.

So yes, only I can change this.  I have already stated possible course changes.  How does one collide without the other entity to collide into?

Thus I am back to praying/cursing/meditating/spelling/casting for the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, and motivate me to manifest myself as who I want to be.

13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥14

Tuesday: α, β, θ, δ

So yesterday was a Tayday and that is a pretty big deal.

Today I wake up fifteen hours after going to bed last night; 10:30.  My Mother has been chain calling me freqking out about some debt charges.  However she calmed down when I said it is for Kindle books…

Mother gave some lame excuse for making it exciting;  So I suspect it hs to do with Christmas presents.

Of course I am very grateful if my parents got me anything.  They do a lot for me already.

Yet today is quickly heading into α category.  The negative fog is dampening all feelings, and the standard tricks to fight it are less effective: like forcing myself to smile, think about someone I am blissfully in love with {Taylor Alison Swift}, et cetera

Therefore I am going back to bed.  As normal, i pray the Goddess and Her angels severe/separate/take me from this life unless my Ideal Wife {whomever} and I elope now/today and begin our Ideal Marriage/Family.

I am so very tired of living a life that is other than what I want.  I know I am the one who got me here.  At one time I DID want this life but that time hss long since passed.

So yes a new beginning would be beautiful.

Google's messed with blogger and is lreventing me from editing posts.  Hopefully, I just need to update the program on my iPhone.

… 01:21 …

I woke up about 13:00, so I guess this fits.  I felt better at first but right now it is drudging the α barrell.  The only benefit is that I feel never-never-land waiting behind my eyes.

Maybe Peter Pan and I will get something sexy going with Tinkerbell.  Thst way I can forget about coming back to this Prime Material ever.  It's evidently through with me, and I am definitely through with being in constant pain.

Maybe will see if my reinstall of Blogger's iPhone App allows me to edit posts again.

13♥00♥00♥17♥13

Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥13

Monday: α, β, θ, δ,

As i wake up, today feels like a θ day;  and I pray that the Goddess and Her angels help me manifest it as a δ.  That will take my Ideal Wife {mb Taylor Alison Swift} and I, eloping and beginning our Ideal Marriage/Family.  This I spell… So mote it be, Amen.

I feel like taking a shower within the next couple hours and having lunch with my Mother, @ SafeWay.

Shower and getting ready takes an hour at most so I have some more time to fill.

I think that I will write some more in my first novel.

Oh! Doctors want me keeping track of my pain on a daily basis so I think I will start doing that now.

There is a semi dull but escalating throbbing pain in my rib cage along my back and hips.  It's letting me know that it is time to wake/get up and take happy pills.

My feet feel great but that's because They have yet to support any weight for ten hours.  They should end up taking over the semi dull but escalating pain duties from my ribs and hips.

Thirty minutes in and I my body is feeling less lethargic.