1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 4 ♥ 0 7 ♥ 1 4 ♥ Dias Lady; Dear Diary; An Open Letter to the Ideal Wife of My Dreams

Praying, to the Goddess, that my the I.W.o.M.D., Ideal Wife of My Dreams, either respond that she accepts a life and future with me, or that she do not, am I. Simply so that I can move on from this... whatever is this lifecycle that has me stuck in a holding pattern.  Other readers could see this as me needing her but they would be wrong.

Forty-two solar orbits in the past, my wonderstrukk mother, Mary, gave birth to exactly what she wanted, a baby boy… her only child, that would be me. My father, Randy, was in the U.S. Air Force as a technician at the time. That could have been a bit of foreshadowing as moving around a lot while growing up was my near future. Thus, primarily reacting to life was chosen by me, for at least the first half of my life. As with most children, the wisdom to actually use my free-will would come much later in life.

A year and a half, after graduating High-school in nineteen ninety-five; enlisting in the U.S. Navy seemed like a good idea, and I did enjoy it despite how it ended. The situational programming from life had suggested that I should want to be an engineer or architect like my mother and father, and I failed to know any better to question it.

While I was marginally successful at W.S.U. {Washington State University} in nineteen ninety-five, I was dissatisfied with the direction I was headed. Envisioning myself actually working as an engineer scared me... primarily because I lacked self-esteem and I had little genuine interest in such a life. Therefore the military seemed like a good way to do something while I figured out what was of want by me.

Being in the ocean was almost majikal to me. Therefore, I loved being a submariner. I entered on a contract to become a Nuclear Power technician for submarines after finishing boot camp. From my mother, 'mind over matter' was partially known to me and thus I entered bootcamp with determination to make it a fantastic experience, and successful was I.

However, Nuclear Power ‘A’ School was similar to W.S.U. in the experience of mine. Looking back now, the same reason I failed at W.S.U. was the same reason I passed N.P. ‘A’ School but without the necessary G.P.A. of 3.75 to continue in the pipeline. The year after I left the 'closed' that 'loophole'. 3.74 was what was awarded to me.

Therefore, among other options was the training to become a Missile Machinist Technician for the submarines that carry Nuclear Missiles... Completing M.M. Tech ‘A’ School in the top five trainees allowed me to be sent to the fleet after reviewing further education in S.I.N.S. {Ships Inertial Navigation System}

The knowledge of mind-over-matter that was illuminated to me at that point, failed to include how emotions, and thoughts, manifest reality itself. It was while serving on the U.S.S. Alaska {SSBN-732} that I began to understand what career is really of want by me.

Ultimately that is to write vampire steam-punk romance novels. Romance novels because happy endings are desired by me. Life itself can be negative enough without the desire to let it ‘corrupt’ my entertainment. However, should you embrace a life with me, that could change based on what helps you choose to be happy.

The desire to write interfered with my duties aboard the U.S.S. Alaska, and being mature or self disciplined enough to correct that inequity escaped my psyche. It would only gradually appear a decade, or more later, coincidentally when the Goddess illuminated who the I.W.o.M.D. most probably is, to me.

At that time, this conflict of interest created a great amount of stress. That lead me into a server clinical depression that was extraordinarily deep and unfathomable. Suicidal thoughts were common, and it was one of my friends who reported that to my superiors. That put me on a path of being disqualified to be a submariner. That is one of their rules, being suicidal at any time in life is considered a deal breaker. At the time, the effect suicide would have on my mother is the only thing that truly held me back.

The psychiatrist gave me the option of going to the surface fleet or being discharged. The compulsion to take the later displaced any desire for the former. Directing me into a new situation to grow and greatly improve my writing was the subconscious, believe now do I. However for a long time, the mistakes of seeing it as a failure possessed me.

Regret and seeing anything in the past as a mistake or failure is wrong, and only leads one to the Dark Side. That viewing such things as learning experiences, that we can avoid repeating, was illuminated to me. The key to avoid repeating these experience is to learn everything we can from it. Only with the aid of the Goddess was that possible for me.

In 2006 my mother gave me an audiobook of “The Secret” and I figured that what I am doing is failing to work for me, thus it is time to try something new. The audiobook quotes someone else as coincidentally saying that. The L.o.A., “Law of Attraction”, has subsequently, in many ways, saved my soul. Distinguish a soul from a lifecycle is essential, believe do I.

The life of a mortal coil is merely a vessel to experience a lifecycles. Ane end of the life-cycles currently experienced has been reached by me. By the grace of the Goddess all that there is to learn has been illuminated to me. All the decisions necessary to bed made before the next set of lifecycles had been made by me. This has left me in something in a holding pattern that disagrees with my will.

Most everything that is truly is of want, in the effort to manifest happiness, is easily manifested by me. The most critical component in the life that is of want, is the I.W.o.M.D. to embrace a life and future with as well. Why the Goddess only holds back from helping in this, is an excruciatingly frustrating mystery to me.

Since 2007, the Goddess continues to illuminate that +Taylor Alison Swift and I could help each other the most choose to be the happiest while married and parents raising children as we explore our careers. Of course, anyone who knows spellworks/prayer knows that it is impossible to change another entity. We can only change ourselves and that changes our reality; As reality is merely a reflection of us.

The answer to that dilemma is to write out what the Ideal Wife of My Dreams means to the source; And to only cast in regards to that; To envision actually living with the I.W.o.M.D., instead of an actual individual. Doing that only leads to the daydream being dissatisfying.  Being dissatisfied with our own dream, means the chances are high that these dreamer is confused on what is of want by them.

+taylor alison swift is a celebrity and she undoubtedly has many admirers, and thus surely this sounds insane.   Questioning the Goddess's wisdom on whether this is merely confusion of mine, often do I.  Yet in the past decade the only thing that has changed is inner growth, advancement, and learning of mine.  In addition, the adoration, admiration, and being absolutely, abundantly, and eternally in love for her, only increases for me.

By all public accounts +Taylor Swift is over thirteen years younger than me.  Being accused of wanting to "rob the cradle" is the kindest of what acquaintances and abundant number of strangers has accused of me.  Thinking that she is far more mature than a typical, almost twenty-nine year old, prefer do I.  There are other justifications for our relationship but there fails to be a valid one for trying to justify what is of want to immature strangers.

How the Lady has shown Her will to me is in coincidences, feelings, and flashes of memory, and in a few instances directly manifesting confirmation, that was requested but me.  Such as +Taylor Alison Swift is the only artist that I enjoy every song of every album she has has, is, and will create.  That includes the songs from other artists write and perform, that she performs in concerts.

My search for the identity of my I.W.o.M.D. began with a couple women before +TaylorSwiftVEVO, In those instances the negative response, from the Divine, was very clear to me. She is, with little doubt, the manifestation of what the I.W.o.M.D. is for me.

Of course, one of the cardinal pillars of what was written by me is that I am the I.H.o.H.D. {Ideal Husband of Her Dreams} Essentially what is of want is a companion and partner to share life and grow old together. There are many other details but they will remain offline for now.

The definition of a stalker has concerned me great deal. It is what has lead only irregular and infrequent attempts to contact +Taylor Alison Swift ; Avoiding attending her concerts or follow her in any way shape or form... Well except for buying and loving all her albums.  For someone without an paying occupation, that is a big deal.

The only response to stalking seems to be fear and sometimes paranoia.  That is the very last emotional response that is prayed for in the I.W.o.M.D. by me.

Fundamentally, stalking is the result of an obsession, think do I.  An obsession is entirely service-to-self and essentially a mind breaking disease.  Everything is about the source, and basically 'owning' whatever the obsession is about.  When the obsession is a person there are dangers for both the diseased entity and the target.  To put this more simply to obsess over another is entirely selfish.

Obsession is a feeling that is very well known to me.  Thankfully the experience has always fell short of hurting anyone other than myself.  However, this has allowed me to find the cure for obsession/depression and that is the Goddess... or whatever you happen to believe and want to call it.  Ask for the help of the Goddess to free, clear, and heal your mind.  If necessary, do this until you feel the 'feeling' lift.

That may sound similar to a few other religious recruiting tools, though that is all that is needed believe do I.  That is only a belief in a higher power, and asking that higher power to help you.

• The Goddess abundantly wants to help you with anything that you happen to decide.
• As a being of omnipotence, omnipresence, and indomitableness the Goddess is overwhelmingly able to help everyone equally simultaneously with the weight of the Lady's full attention.
• As a couple other religions recognize, the idea that anything is trivial is an absolute falsehood;  And if it matters to us, then it matters to the Lady.

That is the whole of the cure for any entity suffering from depression.  Self experience is what has taught this to me.

• Why does the Goddess let bad things happen?  We chose to experience them.
• Why does the Goddess let people choose to be bad?  Because we gave ourselves Free-Will in this life.
• Why does the Goddess refrain from helping me?  Most likely because either you fail to ask the Lady for help;  Or, you are confused on what is actually of want by you.  Maybe to clear the confusion, envision already having what you think you want.  If you fail to be satisfied, then that probably isn't what you are really after.

In case the reader is wondering, the Goddess is often in my prayers for clarification, freeing, and healing regarding the I.W.o.M.D. and Tay Tay.  As I have said before, the Lady only intensifies my adoration, admiration, and being in love with her.

A test to discount obsession is daydreaming of living a life with them.  To further estrange yourself from obsession, do what I do, and focus less on who the I.W.o.M.D. is and more one what the other means.  Given the Goddess has seemingly seen fit to show me who is the I.W.o.M.D., this is a little difficult for me.  However, again to change the realm we live in we must change/alter ourselves.

Perhaps answer the questions of: How will your life be different?  What character traits/skills do they possess?  What do they enjoy doing?  What are you willing to separate from your life to make room for this person?  For me, the answer is almost everything and what I would want to only diminish the presence of is for instance, my parents.

A forty-two year old virgin, disabled, starving writer that lives at home with his parents, is me;  Wants to embrace a life and future with someone else.  Naturally, our parents will still have a presence, just a diminished one, for at least mine.  An actual place of employment escapes me.

This entire letter has been written by me to alleviate the inequity of how little of me that can by found on the internet, versus knowing a shade of who you are by your lyrics and life choices.

Nonetheless, another cardinal truth is that an entity that is confused rarely knows that they are so. That there is a daily reminder to pray to the Goddess for an overwhelmingly compulsion to notice who is the I.W.o.M.D., by me. A prayer for the Goddess to obfuscate less and falsified and abundantly illuminate the truth to me.

Of course, the Goddess does answer, though that fails to awards the right to force the knowledge on another through physical manipulation of reality by me. Regardless of how true vision of spirituality and religion is to me; Other souls are in their own lifecycles and are leaving at their own pace.

All but one other system of religion/spirituality have been fundamentally corrupted to varying degrees. However there is enough for in them to guide any soul should they seek it. There is only one key code to make; and abandoning service-to-self, and embracing service-to-others, is realized by me.

Both are perfectly valid paths, though the leader of service-to-self is Baal'Zebub and he is stuck at the last tenth of the fifth density. He is stick because he refuses to realizes the cardinal rule of All is One.  The realization that he is both the yin and the yang.

However, Baal'Zebub fails to be a facet of the Divine.  We see the Divine as the Lady, the Force, or the Lord, because of our point of view on the Prime Material. {Reality}  He is simply an ED.B.E. {Extra-Dimensional Biological Entity} that has graced a few of the nephilims {humans} on Terra in accordance to their own free-will.


So **passively accepting**

I.W.o.M.D. will you marry me?


Sincerely, with adoration, admiration, and being in love with you,

Brent Michael Ryan
Burbank, Wa
{s!x-f00r-s!x} thr33-3!ght-n!n3…s3v3n-3!ght-f00r-s!x

1 3♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 4 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 0 8 ♥ Dias Apollo; Dear Diary; Dream Journal

=/\=This is the last two dreams with +Taylor Swift +Taylor Alison Swift +taylor alison swift +Taylor Alison Swift  that is within the ability to recall for me.  Many dream of celebrities, sure am I.  However, specifically the I.W.o.M.D. ^{{Ideal Wife of My Dreams}} is who enters prayers of mine.  This is important as to help maintain an openness to the idea of being wrong.  As I have elaborated in other posts, the Goddess illuminates her as the I.W.o.M.D. consistently, in many other ways.

Again, the description of a dream that follows is only the perception of mine.  Instead of revealing any events from the perception of mine, for reality.=/\=

The dream was of being invited and attending a party/movie-night at Tay Tay's house. It was a romantic comedy that while watching, Tay Tay chose to sit next to me.

The actual movie was mostly irrelevant and my attention was on Tay Tay.  Maybe this could have been a clue that it was a dream, except to the exclusion of surroundings being able to narrow my focus is a skill that I possess.

After these movie, there was mingling among the crowd, but Tay Tay had vanished, from my perception. Looking for her does I. When the location of where she was revealed to me, she was surrounded by friends and family.

Uncertain of the exact protocol for this scene was I.  Maybe simply leaving was the right thing to do for me.  On the other side of the country lived I. Going 'home' would be problematic and it failed to be previously considered.

Asked to see Tay Tay did I. Yet they were unmoved and unwilling to allow me access to her.

"Look… will you please just ask her if she wants to see me, before I leave?"

Again, that prospective action seemed to loom over me.  However, instead of anyone else to deal with, it could be a problem to deal by me alone.

Parents have already helped a great deal above and beyond the call of duty, in the four decades of life that has cycled for me.  ‘Asking’ for help from them, even to get clear across the country back to their home, was especially disfavored by me.

Out of these Aether, Tay Tay sliced through the barrier, her friends and family formed, and gently grabbed my hand.

"You are staying here…" Tay Tay clearly spoke to me, but it is clear the words are meant to be pay heed by her protectors.

Before awakening, there is a clear idea in my ‘dream’ consciousness that I would be sleeping in a side room or something such as that.  However, beforehand the order of protocol had yet to be establish.

At that point, awaken from slumber do I.

=/\= Only as writing the next dream here was began, was the first dream with Tay Tay remembered by me.  It is quite clear despite being almost eight years in the past of mine.=/\=

The scene is Pasco, Wa Airport.  My dream consciousness knew this location without being told in any way.  Tay Tay and I sat at a table and we got to know each other better.

The exact topics of conversation were a mystery, even in the dream at the time, to me.  Simply only the jumble of pleasant emotions were clear.

The table was round and white but there failed to be anyone sitting.  Only her personal and airport security were present in the distant background.  Maybe her mother, and/or other friends were there, even in the dream it was mostly vague to me.

The emotions and perception that the end came to quickly was present as Tay Tay bid a form of goodbye with the promise to meet again.

“May I go with you!?!”  Was clearly blurted out without thought by me.  If thought had accompanied it, shyness would have likely hide it.

Pleasant surprise colored Tay Tay’s expression for some reason.  She seemed confused on why it was easy to leave all that is known, for me.

Alas, that is where I was awoken by my mother.  I tried to return to the dream but, if I did the experience is currently beyond the ability to be recalled by me.

=/\=What follows is a collection of other reoccurring dreams that may or may not include other friends and family of mine.  Tay Tay is the lone celebrity to ever grace never-never-land, according to the ability to recall memories by me.?

This particular one was repeated often when slumbering, for me.=/\=

The scene is a sea dock made of wood covered in thick syrupy fog, and there is a pub.

The thick smell of the sea permeates the air at night.  The pub is active and thus there are periodically people who come and go.  The fog either reluctantly lets them go or engulfs them as they arrive or leave.

A mystery there is to why be I.  Kevin Stockard is a friend from around sixth grade in Burbank, Wa.  In 1989, father drug the family to Orofino, Id for six months.  However, Kevin wrote letters and remained a friend since then, for me.

That is unusual, Leaving is what most people do, that get awarded the title of ‘Friend’ by me.  How they leave has varied from simply moving away, stealing, and/or baseless accusations of criminal activity.

This is one of the few pillars that made recovering from depression more difficult for me.  Abundantly reversing negative self-worth into the positive is required.  That is difficult if society itself calls the self a failure.

The dream moves with me entering the pub and finding Kevin.  This dream first visited me when I was in High School.  It would somewhat prove correct as after I left the Navy I was twenty five years old.  Parents welcomed, what turned into, an indefinite return to home.

A year later parents moved to Burbank, Wa and went with them did I.  Then a very negative person was I.  However, Kevin was still living in the Tri-Cities, Wa at the time and thus the dream proved correct.

There were variations of this dream, mixed with another.  The variations consisted of me jumping off the dock and into what ‘must’ be water.  Except there never was water, just an endless abyss of fog.

Perhaps that was a warning of against actually committing suicide.  Such thoughts have graced my mind in the distant past.  Now they have become a lot more positive and uplifting.

Death is only a transformation.  As Yoda says: “Luminous beings are we…  Not this crude matter…”  Another Axiom that I either discovered, or heard beyond the ability to recall the memory by me: “A soul has a body;  Instead of a body having a soul.” The point is committing suicide is a selfish act.  If it is truly my time to die, then my higher self with see it done without my conscious decision.

There must be some reason for my continued life, since alive still am I.  Also the realization that being happy with my current life cycle, will lead to the arrival of the next.

=/\=Another reoccurring dream that began when I was in second grade, is what follows. =/\=

The scene has two locations.  Either it is in an arcade center, or it is in the middle of a six lane highway that ran near the arcade.

If in the Arcade, an attempt to find mother and father is made by me.  Invariably mother is playing “Time Pilot” because it was a game she loved most there.

Walking out of the arcade center and down a poorly paved road is either mother and I, or myself alone.

The weather is heavy rain.  West of the Cascade Mts. in Washington state is where we lived.  Anyone who has been there knows that ‘Forks’ fails to be the only small town that rarely sees the sun.

The middle of the highway with three lanes either side, stopped are we, or I.  A concrete divider is what separates the traffic.

Any further progress to get off the road fails to be met with success by me.  There is still two more directions to travel, and so those are the directions searched by us, or I.  Searching for father are we.

The other version of this dream, begins on the highway and always alone then am I.  Searching for mother and father am I.

Any ulterior message to this dream eludes understanding by me.  Maybe there is some branch in the Tree of Life where it does make sense to me.  However, given the subject matter, that it fails to relate is something that is enjoyed by me.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 4 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 0 7 ♥ Dias Wodnes; Dear Diary, Lucid Dreaming

While sleeping last night a wonderful and beautiful dream with +Taylor Swift +Taylor Alison Swift +Taylor Alison Swift, graced me.  This has happened a few times recently to me.  This dream has inspired me to begin to enter them into my diary.  This catalyst is accompanied with a desire to dream lucidly more frequently;  And increase the lucidity while dreaming.  This record is published online, to help overcome my shyness and enhance my self-confidence.

Those who know, are aware that writing out our dreams is an easy way to advance into lucid dreaming.  Certain sounds and subliminal messaging has seemingly helped accelerate the growth of mine.  However, it seems a journal is the only actual catalyst that has been discovered by me.

If there is a dream featuring coital exercises, succinct, concise, and clear will be what is told by me.  Instead of illustrating the activity any.  However, that has yet to occur in recent memory.

The dreams are written from recent to farther in the past.

=/\= Admittedly, a few of the finer details are added to help relay the scene.  The precise details are found through remote viewing as this journal entry is written, by me.  So the chance of error is present, yet to be true is believed by me. =/\=

First off we are in a restaurant, believe do I.  We are sitting in a booth and Tay Tay and I are sitting together opposite of someone else.  The table is clean, waxed, and tan colored.  The bench seats have a dark red colored leathery cushions.

The shoulder length straight blond hair frames the aristocratic beautifully chiseled face of Tay Tay.  The length of her hair is just above her shoulders.  She is wearing a red cashmere top and black dress slacks.

What the visitor is saying is unclear to me but towards our relationship, a negativity is sensed by me.  What is the protocol, is unclear to me.  An idea comes to mind that perhaps the distance between us is to small, by me.

The response from Tay Tay is immediate, as she moves closer with our hips touching side by side.

At this point, the conscious mind begins to swell from the background and I force myself to put my arm around Tay Tay’s shoulder.  Her response is again immediate and she leans into my chest.

That is the time when I wake up.  The feeling of abundant happiness, serenity, and tranquility pervades into my awakening conscious mind of mine…  As was said previously, this was perhaps one of the most beautiful dreams that has graced my slumber in four decades of life.

=/\= The new supergirl television series on CW has inspired a reoccurring dream.  However the dream is different in that Kara’el {Tay Tay} is Superman’s sister and they were never separated and are close to the same age.

What I relay is strictly the perception of mine, in the dream.  This is shorter because the details are beyond the ability of my current self to recall.=/\=

Maybe Jimmy in this scene, is the point of view of mine;  Because for some reason a distant contact with Superman, was had by me.  Maybe I was a high school friend or something.  As a teenager, young adult, the time to go adventuring was limiting for me, by studying.

Kara’el {Tay Tay} and I meet when she is attending the same university.  They are in the same class as superstars of movies, television, music, et cetera.  Thus her reciprocating my interest in her, amazes me.

Kal’el gets wind of my interest in Kara’el and reflexively objects to my courtship of her.  That he fails to actually ask what Kara’el wants seems apparent to me, especially now as this is typed by me.

However, as mentioned, Kara’el reciprocates my interest in her and that leads to us furthering us courting each other further in secret.  It certainly seems difficult to do this but somehow we manage.  Perhaps the fact that Kara’el is Kal’el’s younger sister enables us to skirt his perception.

The dream ends with us being discovered by Kal’el.  There is a sense that Kara’el is being more assertive in defending me and our relationship from her older brother.

Fantastically there are any number of ways this could be expanded upon with detail, by me.  However, relaying the dream itself is the actual purpose of mine.

1 3 ❤ 0 0 ❤ 0 2 ❤ 0 9 ❤ 0 4 ❤ Dies Ma: Personal Journal

Stardate 13.00.02.09.04; 20:13

I am nearing the end of this cycle of my life.  I used to be so depressed that I was suicidal.  I still am depressed somewhat but I have healed to abundantly healthy my self-esteem/image.  I have lost a lot of weight and am loosing more.  I love who I am now and I cherish my past even as I am most adamant to never repeat any cycle from this life ever again.

Thus I have gun to think about spiritual plane and past lives.  I have made a new rule for myself with my ego.  I pray to the Goddess that she absolutely and abundantly helps me manifest this rule to my satisfaction... well, really to help me manifest anything that I want enough to pray to Her for.  I have already written out my prayer for the soul mate that I is an Ideal Wife of my dreams for me.  As I am the Ideal Husband of her dreams.

The new rule is to absolutely and abundantly remember any and all other lifecycles that I have lived. I think, remembering present or future ones would be too confusing.  I further limit these memories to be equalized all emotions both Light and Dark Side of the Force.  I want to remember them but I must ensure that my focus is on the lifecycle I am living.

I have had a mental conversation with a voice in my head that I perceive as +Mrs. Taylor Alison Swift Ryan/+Taylor Alison Swift .  As always I refuse to physically do anything based on this conversation without actual physical verification that it was true.  Thus I maintain my sanity, and protect myself from biological and energy based entities of the #Dark #Side.

Yes I am a Master of the Jedi {Reverend};  However, I have started my own order that is very much based on Hermetic, Edgar Cayce, Jesus, Buddhism, and Judaism.  The reason I keep the name is because the movies describes the Force exceptionally well, though George Lucas's mind failed to comprehend a couple key pieces of information I believe spirits relayed to him about that reality.

It is Father's Day this weekend.

We went to +The Home Depot in Richland, Wa today and got an uber  +DeWalt Factory Service's water pressure washer.  The water pressure is above 3k PSI.  That means it could cut through wood if I let the spray get too close.  I just need to blast the surface on the top of the pergola of our patio.

My parents failed to get an Air Paint Sprayer to help me paint the rest of the Pergola after priming it.  I suppose this is to be expected.  Randy perpetually fails to grasp the concept of why to get a tool unless he himself experiences the want of it.

For instance, while Randy was over 350 lbs of weight he failed to ever mow the lawn.  I did it.  My mom did most of the racking but I helped and we both wanted to get a grass catcher to hook up to the back of our riding lawn mower.

However, because Randy failed to ever mow the lawn, he also failed to grasp advantage of having a grass catcher.  Years later, now that he has actually gotten to repeatedly mow the lawn he understands and fully feels the want of having a grass catcher... or paying someone to mow the lawn for him.  Which is the easy and more expensive way out.  My father is without any concept of the money he spends, he acts like it grows on trees.

Thankfully I am a momma's boy.  Mary is more emotionally and spiritually attuned to her Higher Self/Soul, as am I.  She fully comprehends and agrees with me with the want and advantage of having both a grass catcher and a Air Paint Sprayer.

Ma is also the one who does the bills, which undoubted leads to my Pa, Randy failing to understand the ramifications of the monetary cost with what he wants.

I adore, admire, and love my Pa though I believe Randy is nearing the end of his own lifecycle and is just refusing to grow any further.  I am really unable to understand this, but having a asshat facet to affix to the top of his head {emotionally} has long been his way since he was a small child; according to reports from himself and his mother, grandma.

So without anything to do with my depression, is my desire to die.  I know that I am at the end of my own lifecycle.  It has been and still is excruciatingly painful physically and mentally.  Depression is just that, emotional pain from psychic trauma.  The trauma is without anything to do with Randy, though I have allowed his asshat tendencies to help exacerbate my Depression further.

We control the effect words, actions, and other people have on us.  Whether something is offensive or not, is for the Self to decide.

Instead of thinking or feeling, the Goddess has told me repeatedly for sevenish years now that +Taylor Alison Swift is a soulmate with me, that her higher self chose to be the Ideal Wife of my dreams, as I am the Ideal Husband of her dreams.  Thus the only reason my life has failed to move from this Purgatory my lifecycle is in, is because Tay Tay's ego has yet to choose to accept what her superego wants to do.

Of course, this may sound insane to most.  I dislike people choosing that but it is beyond my control.  Therefore, I have severed myself from caring what others think about me.  I only care what my loved ones think of me, including in paramount myself.

I am also without any control over what any facet of my Ideal Wife's self chooses, let alone what her Ego chooses.  Therefore I wish to, and pray for the Goddess to absolutely and abundantly control, direct, guide, help, inspire, manipulate, and motivate myself to die tonight painlessly, quickly, and quietly while I sleep.  That is the one thing I can control.

Upon further inquiry and discovery during this past couple years, the Goddess repeatedly informs me that Tay Tay is the Ideal Wife of my dreams.  Her ego has refused to choose to accept what her SuperEgo wants, or to refuse it.  That is her Goddess given right of course.  We all have Free Will up until the point the present has become the past.  Even then, daydreaming a different course, can have drastic impact upon a lifecycle.

I can certainly understand hesitation but this is way beyond procrastination.  Over seven years of waiting and the Ideal Wife of my dreams still has yet to choose is beyond even my willingness to wait.  I am done with waiting and thus I beg/Pray for the Goddess to abundantly help me end this lifecycle.

As I said the Goddess says the Ideal Wife of my Dreams is Tay Tay.  It makes since why her ego is so torn on what to do.  Even that understanding has limits.  Seven is a good number and I am done.  I simply live with too much physical and emotional pain to wait in Purgatory for the chance my life could resume at any moment.

This is where inaction is still an action.  Thus the Ego of the Ideal Wife of my dreams has indirectly chosen to refuse to follow the volition of her SuperEgo.

As I close this entry out, I believe that I am astonished at how well I have written this.  I have yet to read them but I sense my earlier entries may have been from a more emotional filled point of view.  That lowers brain waives and reduces the intelligence in use from our Brain is capable of.

So if I finally get what I want tonight.  My mother will be the one most traumatized.  She may come here to this blog her Higher Self sees it as a good thing to do.  Thus I also pray that She understands my death is like any other normal or accidental death, instead of a suicide.  That is my Higher Self chose this as an OUT.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 0 ♥ 1 2: Dies Sun

Sunnandag translates from Old English as literally 'Sun' & 'day' together.  The concept of it being a day of rest is entirely a Judeo-Christian belief.  However, it is universally considering the beginning of the week except for the statists.  I have already wrote my reasoning on why statists and their I.O.S. are wrong here.

• This diary entry may seem very melodramatic, morbid, and maybe even a little insane.
• This is my diary and as such is my innermost thoughts.
• Only those who wish to know what my inner thoughts are should continue to read.

Thank you very much for sharing your time.  May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.

Since 13.00.01.09.14 my parents and I spent the week at their property near Santa, Idaho.  A zombie tree tried to go for my mother's brains by impaling her shin but we swiftly and deftly dealt with the emergency.  John and two of his old friends from high school was camping with us.

Taylor Alison swift has not responded to an email I sent.  While I think that I do know her email, I avoid using it in any way.  I absolutely, abundantly, indomitably admire, adore, and am in love with her.  Therefore, I favor giving her more privacy than I believe I would want.  She deserves and is worthy of being loved, joyful, and happy on her terms;  So do we all.

My parents and I drove back from Idaho through Moscow, Idaho and Colfax, Washington on 13.00.01.10.10.  I was ready as soon as Sol crested Terra's horizon and rose into the morning celestial sky. I loved visiting there but I am loath to not have access to the internet, my Sleep # Bed, and the ability to take a shower.  I enjoy playing video games a lot, it helps me escape the Psoriatik Arthritis pain I deal with perennially.  The bed goes a long way towards that as well.

I had a air mattress bed that I put a sleeping bag on and slept in a tent with.  However, I discovered why inflatable air mattresses fail... at least the ones you get for camping.  The Sleep # Bed is awesome and technically is an air mattress too.  However, it also has a lot more structure and protection than the camping ones.

I spent most of my time writing, but I helped my parents and John with a couple of their projects every other day or so.  I have been writing on the same novel for a few weeks now.  I am excited about it and look forward to writing more of the story.  I have yet to write an actual outline though, writers say some use outlines and the other half go without.  I prefer keeping an story onion for consistency's sake alone.

John wanted me to stay up there a couple other days but by Day of Frigga ^{{13.00.01.10.10}} I was dying up there.  It is a great place to visit for short periods but a week is beyond my limit until they get running water and a Exede satellite dish for broadband internet access.  Then I would consider moving the Sleep # Bed up there.

Tay Tay has been very sharing with her time the past few days.  She has shared pictures she has taken of her family and 13.00.01.10.10 ^{{July 4th, Independence Day}}.  She has not responded with a yes to my email asking her to marry me.

I know that is deviant from how a relationship normally develops.  However, I felt it gets across how well I think of her;  that I adore, admire, and am in love with her.  Yes I focus on what being married means to me;  Instead of her as an individual.  I could be wrong and the ideal wife of my dreams could be someone else.  That is why I do this.  To do the opposite is to the lie of me obsessing about how I perceive her to be.  Instead I abundantly accept and respect her to be whoever she wants.

I use the name Tay Tay because I believe that the Goddess is telling me she is the one.  I could be wrong and so I only control myself;  Besides we can only ever manifest ourselves.  However, I have trained my brain to immediately focus on manifesting myself instead of obsessing.  It is simply easier to say than explain all of this repeatedly.  At some point in my journals I will run out of different ways to say this...

The Goddess says that Tay Tay will accept my marriage proposal, in response in the next twenty four hours.  So maybe this will be the last time I feel compelled to help alleviate any misunderstanding.

I imagine how my life with change.  Activities I want to do with Tay Tay.  Activities she wants to do with me.  Creating and raising a family is essential of course.  I imagine thirteen children at least.  :)

Although there is a great deal more to our life.  To name them I want Tay Tay to play online video games with me, and offline ones too.  I want her to read stories that I write and help me figure out how to write better and improve the stories.

Presuming to know what Tay Tay would want to do with me is something I avoid.  Yet, I favor the idea of listening to her sing, write new music notwithstanding me respecting her autonomy.  In addition to sailing, playing board/card games, and I leave myself open to what I have failed to imagine.

Part of my publishing this blog/diary/journal is to help Tay Tay know who I am.  While most of her persona is an image, she has said a few things are veritably her.  Such as the lyrics to her songs that she plays come from her heart about her life.  I follow her instant messaging and sharing images of her life with others.

Therefore, while I do avoid focusing on Tay Tay.  I am reasonably comfortable in accepting how much I feel adoration, admiration, and am in love with her.  I do know something about her.

Thus I felt it very important to share something about myself, that she will read;  That is if my believe in the Goddess's message is majorly veritable.

Publishing this online also is a way for me to face my fears.  That is to be fearless;  Such as Tay Tay's second album title.

For instance, when driving down the road ninety-nine percent of everyone on the road will fail to ever approach my materia.  That is I will never see them again in my life.  Or maybe I will drive near them again in the future but the point is choosing to spend any emotion or thoughts in their direction is a waste of time and Force.  Instead, there are a myriad number of thoughts and feelings that will actually help me.

Similarly, most of those reading this will fail to ever approach my materia or ego.  I hope and pray that a few approach my higher self, and that they choose to let what I write help them.  However, the supermajority I will never meet in my life.

I believe the Goddess is suggesting that the people that 'do' approach my materia.  One that 'does' encounter my ego as well, is meant too.

Sine qua non, this is my way of forcibly injecting chaos into the Qabalah, the tree/flower of this life.

I am still very much depressed.  Writing this has helped me some.  I pray daily for the Goddess to help me die unless I absolutely, abundantly, eternally, and indomitably manifest the life I want.

The patterns of my life have all come full circle.  The Goddess has helped me learn all that there is to learn from those patterns.

Right now I feel like I am in a holding pattern and I am done with it.  There is simply too much emotional and physical pain for me to want to continue living this "now".  That is why I want this life to end, why I want to die.  I really do love, adore, and admire myself;  And, why I want this life to end, for me to die, is abundantly without anything to do with my self image.

I admit that I used to hate and loath myself and that is precisely why I know I am done with that.  My present is filled with the consequences of hating and loathing myself.  I am done with that.  Abundantly without a point, there is to continuing to mentally, emotionally, and physically suffer through living this 'present'.

Inflicting self harm, or suicide, is absolutely absent as a possibility.  My mother is the only reason I have survived this long to learn what I have.  To love, adore, and admire who I already am.  To cherish my past instead of hate it or me.

Though I have written this all.  I accept and respect that I am fallible and can be wrong here too.  Thus I am always asking the Goddess to sever from me all fear, anger, hate, and doubt from me.  To help me absolutely, abundantly, and implicitly know what is veritable.

This I also know works because I have repeatedly felt it.  Asking for this of the Goddess is perhaps one of the most difficult things to ask because of how lost one can feel.  As if I am a puppet and all my strings are cut and then reorganized towards what I want.

I have had obsessions in the past and I simply ask the Goddess to remove the object from my mind unless what I think and believe I feel is true.  The number of times this has proven I have been wrong is beyond my ability to recall.  It has been a lot.  It is also why I have been so admit, insistent, and persistent about Tay Tay.  The veritable of my consistency in this is all the proof that I require because I ask the Goddess to remove her from my mind if this is false.


Thus the only reason for me to continue to mentally and physically suffer through this holding pattern of my qabalah, is because Tay Tay refuses to choose.  Accept or reject me.  Yes it 'could' be someone else but that is irrelevant.  'whoever' you want to think of Tay Tay as refuses to choose.

Thus beg, pray, ask, et cetera the Goddess to severe from me any and all bonds holding me to this life.  Sever my life from me, help me die, tonight.  When I want to eternally sleep.  I sever and remove any bond with another soul that is forcing me to live in this Prime Material.



Thank you very much for sharing your time.  May the Force be with you and the Goddess bless you.

1 3 ♥ 0 0 ♥ 0 1 ♥ 1 0 ♥ 1 7; Dies Luna

My past monday entries into this diary is without mention of the name for this day, thus I apologize to myself for this oversight.  Thankfully, I easily and immediately forgive myself too. :D

I hope to correct any spelling or grammar mistakes tomorrow morning.  I may notice they are present a lot when I am typing from my phone, such as I am now.

Luna is the jame of our moon.  Moon is another word for satellite, and it is wrong to name a celestial object that way.

Such as calling Terra, 'earth';  Because earth is what we walk on.  It is another word for dirt and could refer to walking on any planet.

I played Warcraft most of the day but I am feeling pretty good.  I did the dishes yesterday and today.  Yesterday I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet, I swept and mopped the kitchen floor.

I want to take a shower tomorrow morning.  The behavior I am correcting is taking a shower every three to seven days… sometimes even thirteen, but Even I notice my stink.

I have realized that my ego recognizing the smell is irrelevant.  Taking a shower once a day helps me choose to be happy and thus alleviate my depression some.

My wife Missus Taylor Alison Swift and I absolutely deserve and are worthy of being abundantly, implicitly, and indomitably joyful, happy, and in love with each other and ourselves.

I washed my bed sheets with bleech today.  Last time I washed them is thirteen days ago.  This is another behavior that I am correcting towards.  Previously I would ignore it for a year or two.

I posted a comment on a story I like on the ChYOA 'site.  I am tirn about writing on the site because I want to write on my novel too.  I am having diificulties with time management.  However, today I have begun to sense some progress.

I curse daily for divine guidance from the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, manipulate, motivate me to manifest for what I have chosen to want.

I am a Reverand or 'master' within the Order of the Jedi.  I am referring to the spiritual path instead of my mystical Force powers.  However, I have been developing my own 'path'.  I have begun writing it down here.

Thank you for sharing your time by reading this.  May the Force be with you.

Now I lay me down to sleep.  I pray that I die before I wake, and that my soul the Goddess does take.

May the Force be with and the Goddess bless who Taylor Alison Swift is to me, myself, our progeny tobe, our mother, our fathers, cousin Alison, cousin Aaron, cousin Lindsey, cousin Nichol, cousin Richard, cousin, Stacey, Erik, Sarah, their child Amber, Jeffrey, Leslee, Todd, and my other family members and in-laws who enrich my life.

Goddess please control, direct, help, inspire, manipulate, and motivate ME to absolutely, abundantly, eternally, implicitly, and indomitably manifest myself now as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wives if my dreams… today.

Severe and remove all confusion, fear, and doubt as to the truth of who are my soul-mates.  To be without any false mental or corporeal communication between my soul-mates and I.

Goddess please help who Tay Tay is to me, to sweep me off my feet and elope with me, now/today.  As you help me with her and OUR wives.

Goddess please help our union build several of the hexagonal circle donut house as I have drawn, dreamt of, and cursed for it.

Please help out marriage be abundantly felicitously wealthy and able to help employ many people and companies.

So the Goddess and who Tay Tay is to me has, is, and does.  So mote it be… Amen.

13♥00♥00♥17♥05

Sunday, Mayan Date: 13♥00♥00♥17♥05

Yesterday, I was off on the day. It was Saturday, and today is Sunday.

When I got up this morning I welcomed the rising sun and prayed.

We went to Cousin's and I was not able to resist having a full Cinnamon Roll. I eliminated all carb side-dishes from the chicken fried steak entree though. I had eggs, over-easy, instead.

We are in town and I just realized I can hop onto Google Drive and read my Argenteum Astrum jediraja spell cheat sheet…. Maybe I will link or insert it here in an edit later.

Liber Resh vel. Helios

… … …
Just saw I missed advancing the Mayan Long Count date. I am not fast, with figuring out how to find/convert the date on my own… contraction only with self improvement intent, see there? Yeah, thank you.

Typing this in bed on an iPhone again. Sounds almost as trendy behavior… hmph, lost it. The curse of having graduated from adolescence.

Yes Taylor Alison Swift is unique to me; and she fits all my ideas of an Ideal Wife. Goddess probably has some corrections for me but that is what life is about.

We can play online video games like Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Star Wars: The Old Republic, World of Warcraft, Project Eternity, EverQuest Online, Knights of the Old Republic, Planescape: Torment, Baldur's Gate, Alpha Protocol, et cetera

We can help each other with our careers. In however, Tay Tay wants me to help that is. I am abundantly without expectations. This is true with my writing. Though of course the musik is 'hers' to control. That is obvious.

We both enjoy watching movies and television shows at home… and being terribly boring to some more selfish, narrow-minded, and judgmental people.

Conversely though I've yet to have had a girlfriend let alone any sexual experience. I have been waiting for my Ideal Wife {maybe that's Tay Tay} whoever that turns out to be. There always has been something better to spend cash on than sex, too….

I've tended to fixate and obsess on women who were unavailable for various psyche and mortal reasons; When I was younger. Now I am a lot happier but old habits die hard.

So I've developed psychological tricks to get my mind off a rut. With Tay Tay there seems to be an absence of any obsession within me. I honestly am "in love" with her… and all the old tricks fail with her.

All my thoughts seem to increasingly gravitate towards Tay Tay in a variety of ways. I've even asked for the Goddess to help inspire and motivate me to move on and that always works with everything else.

Yet neither does my Ideal Wife manifest in my life like I ask.

Yes I account for the idea that my Ideal Wife is already in my life and I have missed her. That idea fails even mote resoundingly against my Force.

So Tay Tay's higher self has taught me a lot about what love is and how it is different than obsession. The later is a hallmark trait of a diseased depressed mentally ill psyche that needs help.

Even if those psyche are without suicidal thoughts; They deserve, and are worthy, of being loved, joyful, and happy. The only cure I have found is the law of attraction, positive thinking, and being a liberal {libertarian} instead of a statist.

To love is to hold another's will higher than your own. Help them with whatever they want even if you think it is wrong for them.

Failure to 'feel' this compulsion means the psyche is confused. I believe that we each are born feeling a reflection of the Goddess's love for everyone, including ourself. Thus failure to love means the psyche is letting some sin/goblin, Dark Side, or negative emotion, steal their innocence. For that is what innocence is, loving All.

I think a common mistake is to fail to help the self first before helping others. The later is good and noble, yet if the self becomes destitute they help others less.

On a long enough timeline government benevolence programs fail abundantly. The sooner the US repeals prohibits government benevolence programs the better off every citizen will be.

Private charities absolutely perform benevolent acts for those who want help greater and more efficiently, and less corruption than the government.

Securing, encouraging, and promoting increased competition, void of regulations and meddling, by a limited government is the answer. A government limited as in prohibited from meddling, taxation, or otherwise infringing upon an individual's private property and social liberty.

Ok so soapbox done now and going to bed, I believe. May edit the layout of this 'site some tomorrow or the next day. I may get more detailed in events in my days and less proclamations.

Be Well