Diaries seem like they should be written in every day… or at least have less than five months gap between entries. Seemingly, I am extremely minutely selective with what I am consistent with or rules that ai follow… also, apparently both items share the same list and its size constriction.
I still beg/pray/curse/cast/spell/meditate on the Goddess manifesting me as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wife of my dreams; now; today; us absolutely, abundantly, eternally, implicitly, recuprocatingly admire, adore, and in love with each other and ourselves; control, direct, help, inspire, motivate us into matriomoneous bliss today.
I do value and love myself as an independent individual. Though I understand my writings may appear otherwise. Neglible is my desire yo control or 'own' anyone other than myself. I am whole, beautiful, strong, powerful, loving, joyful, and happy.
However, I am done done with this lifecycle and this mortal coil; Unless what stated earlier is made manifest through me, today. I have learned how to deal with my chronic emotional and physical pain. Yet, i am done with doing it anymore.
I know of two things that will help me the most to choose to be happy. Heaven; another life; or Tay Tay. However, I do acknowledge utimately happiness is my choice and only I can achieve it. Others may help but they are incapable of doing it 'for' me.
My life as it is at an impass. I am single, thirty nine year old, dirt poor and live with my awe inspiring mother and father. I am a writer of science fiction romance stories and suffering from writer's block for a few years now. I continually explore new ideas to get past the block but no joy so far.
I think I have mentioned before my absolute inexperience with an actual romantic girlfriend. After it is to late, I learn of another's interest in me sometimes. However I have been so wrapt up in my own pain that I have been an idiot for the most part.
In addition, my physical pain has greatly impacted my mostly sedentary life style. The longer I stand/walk the more pain I am in until I collapse. The actual timing varies and my current success with weightloss seems to have helped a little with pain and a lot with fatigue.
So yes, only I can change this. I have already stated possible course changes. How does one collide without the other entity to collide into?
Thus I am back to praying/cursing/meditating/spelling/casting for the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, and motivate me to manifest myself as who I want to be.