Suicide is a selfish action, perhaps one the most selfish because everyone else gets to live with the decision. So no, what I dream of is a quick painless accidental death. I apologize for getting all melodramatic right off the bat but I only ever do what I want… wasting time on inconsequential fails to be what I want.
If a reader wonders why suicide, what I stated is exactly the point. A phrase runs through my mind. 'You are who your friends are; Or you are what you do.' I am without friends except for my mother. Everyone else is just an acquentence. I do nothing, except write stories I have yet to publish and play video games. By that logic I am nothing.
Please understand that publishing this on the www is without me asking for help by hyperbole. I know how to get help. The problem is that I know what I want to live with and that has not manifested. I understand helping myself and I do that a lot. However my problem is wanting someone to create a family with.
That would be absurd to most suicidal depressed people I am told. However I do value and love myself. I deserve and am worthy of being loved, joyful, and happy.
I think I am broken though because my own parents fail to understand when I say I can't do something. They interpret the words as 'won't' do blank. The point is my 'will' is exactly the problem, in some actions my will simply is absent.
Thus I am absent a function in some areas of life itself.