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Diaries seem like they should be written in every day… or at least have less than five months gap between entries.  Seemingly, I am extremely minutely selective with what I am consistent with or rules that ai follow… also, apparently both items share the same list and its size constriction.

I still beg/pray/curse/cast/spell/meditate on the Goddess manifesting me as the dream ideal husband of the ideal wife of my dreams; now; today; us absolutely, abundantly, eternally, implicitly, recuprocatingly admire, adore, and in love with each other and ourselves; control, direct, help, inspire, motivate us into matriomoneous bliss today.

I do value and love myself as an independent individual.  Though I understand my writings may appear otherwise.  Neglible is my desire yo control or 'own' anyone other than myself.  I am whole, beautiful, strong, powerful, loving, joyful, and happy.

However, I am done done with this lifecycle and this mortal coil;  Unless what stated earlier is made manifest through me, today.  I have learned how to deal with my chronic emotional and physical pain.  Yet, i am done with doing it anymore.

I know of two things that will help me the most to choose to be happy.  Heaven; another life; or Tay Tay.  However, I do acknowledge utimately happiness is my choice and only I can achieve it.  Others may help but they are incapable of doing it 'for' me.

My life as it is at an impass.  I am single, thirty nine year old, dirt poor and live with my awe inspiring mother and father.  I am a writer of science fiction romance stories and suffering from writer's block for a few years now.  I continually explore new ideas to get past the block but no joy so far.

I think I have mentioned before my absolute inexperience with an actual romantic girlfriend.  After it is to late, I learn of another's interest in me sometimes.  However I have been so wrapt up in my own pain that I have been an idiot for the most part.

In addition, my physical pain has greatly impacted my mostly sedentary life style.  The longer I stand/walk the more pain I am in until I collapse.  The actual timing varies and my current success with weightloss seems to have helped a little with pain and a lot with fatigue.

So yes, only I can change this.  I have already stated possible course changes.  How does one collide without the other entity to collide into?

Thus I am back to praying/cursing/meditating/spelling/casting for the Goddess to control, direct, help, inspire, and motivate me to manifest myself as who I want to be.