Stardate 13.00.02.09.04; 20:13
I am nearing the end of this cycle of my life. I used to be so depressed that I was suicidal. I still am depressed somewhat but I have healed to abundantly healthy my self-esteem/image. I have lost a lot of weight and am loosing more. I love who I am now and I cherish my past even as I am most adamant to never repeat any cycle from this life ever again.
Thus I have gun to think about spiritual plane and past lives. I have made a new rule for myself with my ego. I pray to the Goddess that she absolutely and abundantly helps me manifest this rule to my satisfaction... well, really to help me manifest anything that I want enough to pray to Her for. I have already written out my prayer for the soul mate that I is an Ideal Wife of my dreams for me. As I am the Ideal Husband of her dreams.
The new rule is to absolutely and abundantly remember any and all other lifecycles that I have lived. I think, remembering present or future ones would be too confusing. I further limit these memories to be equalized all emotions both Light and Dark Side of the Force. I want to remember them but I must ensure that my focus is on the lifecycle I am living.
I have had a mental conversation with a voice in my head that I perceive as +Mrs. Taylor Alison Swift Ryan/+Taylor Alison Swift . As always I refuse to physically do anything based on this conversation without actual physical verification that it was true. Thus I maintain my sanity, and protect myself from biological and energy based entities of the #Dark #Side.
Yes I am a Master of the Jedi {Reverend}; However, I have started my own order that is very much based on Hermetic, Edgar Cayce, Jesus, Buddhism, and Judaism. The reason I keep the name is because the movies describes the Force exceptionally well, though George Lucas's mind failed to comprehend a couple key pieces of information I believe spirits relayed to him about that reality.
It is Father's Day this weekend.
We went to +The Home Depot in Richland, Wa today and got an uber +DeWalt Factory Service's water pressure washer. The water pressure is above 3k PSI. That means it could cut through wood if I let the spray get too close. I just need to blast the surface on the top of the pergola of our patio.
My parents failed to get an Air Paint Sprayer to help me paint the rest of the Pergola after priming it. I suppose this is to be expected. Randy perpetually fails to grasp the concept of why to get a tool unless he himself experiences the want of it.
For instance, while Randy was over 350 lbs of weight he failed to ever mow the lawn. I did it. My mom did most of the racking but I helped and we both wanted to get a grass catcher to hook up to the back of our riding lawn mower.
However, because Randy failed to ever mow the lawn, he also failed to grasp advantage of having a grass catcher. Years later, now that he has actually gotten to repeatedly mow the lawn he understands and fully feels the want of having a grass catcher... or paying someone to mow the lawn for him. Which is the easy and more expensive way out. My father is without any concept of the money he spends, he acts like it grows on trees.
Thankfully I am a momma's boy. Mary is more emotionally and spiritually attuned to her Higher Self/Soul, as am I. She fully comprehends and agrees with me with the want and advantage of having both a grass catcher and a Air Paint Sprayer.
Ma is also the one who does the bills, which undoubted leads to my Pa, Randy failing to understand the ramifications of the monetary cost with what he wants.
I adore, admire, and love my Pa though I believe Randy is nearing the end of his own lifecycle and is just refusing to grow any further. I am really unable to understand this, but having a asshat facet to affix to the top of his head {emotionally} has long been his way since he was a small child; according to reports from himself and his mother, grandma.
So without anything to do with my depression, is my desire to die. I know that I am at the end of my own lifecycle. It has been and still is excruciatingly painful physically and mentally. Depression is just that, emotional pain from psychic trauma. The trauma is without anything to do with Randy, though I have allowed his asshat tendencies to help exacerbate my Depression further.
We control the effect words, actions, and other people have on us. Whether something is offensive or not, is for the Self to decide.
Instead of thinking or feeling, the Goddess has told me repeatedly for sevenish years now that +Taylor Alison Swift is a soulmate with me, that her higher self chose to be the Ideal Wife of my dreams, as I am the Ideal Husband of her dreams. Thus the only reason my life has failed to move from this Purgatory my lifecycle is in, is because Tay Tay's ego has yet to choose to accept what her superego wants to do.
Of course, this may sound insane to most. I dislike people choosing that but it is beyond my control. Therefore, I have severed myself from caring what others think about me. I only care what my loved ones think of me, including in paramount myself.
I am also without any control over what any facet of my Ideal Wife's self chooses, let alone what her Ego chooses. Therefore I wish to, and pray for the Goddess to absolutely and abundantly control, direct, guide, help, inspire, manipulate, and motivate myself to die tonight painlessly, quickly, and quietly while I sleep. That is the one thing I can control.
Upon further inquiry and discovery during this past couple years, the Goddess repeatedly informs me that Tay Tay is the Ideal Wife of my dreams. Her ego has refused to choose to accept what her SuperEgo wants, or to refuse it. That is her Goddess given right of course. We all have Free Will up until the point the present has become the past. Even then, daydreaming a different course, can have drastic impact upon a lifecycle.
I can certainly understand hesitation but this is way beyond procrastination. Over seven years of waiting and the Ideal Wife of my dreams still has yet to choose is beyond even my willingness to wait. I am done with waiting and thus I beg/Pray for the Goddess to abundantly help me end this lifecycle.
As I said the Goddess says the Ideal Wife of my Dreams is Tay Tay. It makes since why her ego is so torn on what to do. Even that understanding has limits. Seven is a good number and I am done. I simply live with too much physical and emotional pain to wait in Purgatory for the chance my life could resume at any moment.
This is where inaction is still an action. Thus the Ego of the Ideal Wife of my dreams has indirectly chosen to refuse to follow the volition of her SuperEgo.
As I close this entry out, I believe that I am astonished at how well I have written this. I have yet to read them but I sense my earlier entries may have been from a more emotional filled point of view. That lowers brain waives and reduces the intelligence in use from our Brain is capable of.
So if I finally get what I want tonight. My mother will be the one most traumatized. She may come here to this blog her Higher Self sees it as a good thing to do. Thus I also pray that She understands my death is like any other normal or accidental death, instead of a suicide. That is my Higher Self chose this as an OUT.
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